Monday Morning Quarterback

At the risk of sounding like what the title implies...Nick and I have spent a lot of time talking this weekend and here's where we are at.  We may still meet with Dr. Silber in St. Louis to get as much information from him as we can.  But our next cycle will be local and we've already set up an appointment for a few weeks from now.  We're hoping our next cycle can take place this fall...October is my favorite month of the year so that feels lucky to me. :)

Here's why...Dr. Silber is amazing...he has incredible success rates and frozen embryo transfer rates that are simply unheard of.  He uses cutting edge technology and is a leader amongst fertility specialists in the world.

He also sees 600 couples per year for IVF.  To put it in perspective, the fertility clinics in KC are seeing 150-300 couples.  When we are honest with ourselves, in our heart of hearts, we know that because we were an 'easy' case for him (remember...he doesn't turn anyone away and takes on very difficult cases), we may not have gotten the time or thoughtfulness that some of his other patients do.  In fairness to him, a lot of people with our exact set of issues do the same protocol that we did and end up pregnant or with embryos to freeze or both.  Unfortunately, we didn't.  And I think if they had been paying more attention in the beginning of our stimulation, we could have had a different outcome.

I know that sounds like 'hindsight is 20-20'...and to an extent, you're right.  But what it also is...is a true understanding of the process.  You can read and talk to people who've been through IVF all you want...but it's not a substitute for actually going through it.  We understand it SO much more than before and you better believe we have a list of questions for our next doctor that's a mile long.  I do believe that, regardless of the medical condition, you have to be an advocate for yourself and family members (my mother taught me that actually...thanks, mom!)

We weren't really afraid to ask Dr. Silber questions...but his credentials are intimidating.  And it's easy to put your trust in someone whose results really speak for themselves.   Next time will be different.  And, as I think I said before, while most clinics have 50-60% success rates for IVF...the success rate for a FIRST cycle of IVF is 35%.  I had heard that statistic before, but I understand it all too well now.

So, there you have it...that's the plan.  This was kind of a boring post, so I'll try to think of something a wee bit more fun next time.  People keep asking me how I'm feeling and I keep saying the same thing - sad, but hopeful.  I thought if we didn't get pregnant this first cycle, we would be crushed.  Turns out Nick and I - we don't crush that easily...I believe my mother compared us to Hercules. :)

Oh, and I've already thought of what we're going to call our next (awesome and incredible) embryos...the MIGHTY Ducks.  Screw luck...we need might.  :)

IVF for Dummies

No, this is not a post explaining IVF to 'dummies'.  It's a post dedicated to all of the dumb things Nick and I are doing while we are waiting to find out if we're pregnant (well, I say we...but I mostly mean me).

A sample:

• I yelled at Nick yesterday for squeezing me too hard while giving me a hug because he 'might smash the babies!'
• Even though I am allowed to go swimming and take baths now, I'm not going to because of an irrational fear of drowning the embryos.  (I am still showering, lest you be concerned about my hygiene).
• I was going to wear a dress today that was form fitting enough that it necessitated the wearing of Spanx (cue the angels singing...love me some Spanx!) but decided not to because I thought the compressive nature of the undergarment might over-squeeze the (potential) baby(ies).
• Yelled at my cat for jumping on my stomach, 'kneading' my stomach and just generally even looking at my stomach for fear of crushing the embryos.
• Am only reading 'happy' books because I don't want to scare/stress/frighten the embryos

Despite it sounding like I've gone off the deep end, I am surprisingly calm about the waiting.  It was rough the first day we found out that no other embryos made it, but pretty much since then, I've felt weirdly calm.  Not really sure what to make of that, but I'll take it!

In the immortal words of Marvin Gaye...what's going on

Did I tell you that we're back in Kansas City now?  Well, we are.  And back to work.  Sigh...

Luckily, the last couple of days in St. Louis were fun, despite the fact that I was told to take it easy (translation...sit around and watch a Real Housewives of New York marathon).  Nick's Aunt Pat came by and saw us on Sunday and took us out to dinner AND brought me a present (she knows me so well)...these gorgeous earrings.  Love!

And then on Monday, I got to see my old college roommate Brandy (who coincidentally shares the same dating anniversary with her husband as Nick and I do) who was kind enough to bring us Imo's (of which, Nick ate approximately 95%), a basket of fun stuff and these beautiful flowers.  I'm a lucky girl to have so many wonderful people in my life!  And they all know I love presents!

Nick's parents got back in town late Monday night (so they missed MOST of my IVF related grumpiness and general malaise) (but not my crazy bloated belly!) so we were able to grab breakfast with them before getting on the road.

Now that you're all caught up on what's been going on, I thought I'd answer what seems to be a hot topic today...when we're going to find out if this IVF cycle worked.   Only there's not a very good answer.  Over the next few weeks, I'll have a series of blood tests drawn that will test for pregnancy.  However, we won't really know until the ultrasound at 5-6 weeks.  So, that's a long way of saying...sit tight, folks.  It's gonna be awhile. 

ATerribly True Truthful Tale About IVF

Phew...okay, I needed a bit to get myself together.  Nick and I have talked and while we remain cautiously optimistic that we are pregnant...if we have to do another cycle, we will do it.   High fives all around, go team and all of that.  Nick also sent me the nicest, sweetest pep talk note ever...do you want to read it?  Too bad.  Geez, guys - you're already up in my ovaries' business and now you want to read correspondence between my husband and I.  Have you no shame?  I kid, I kid.

Originally, the purpose of this blog was to just keep you all up to date on what's going on, but for me...it's now become a diary documenting this process that I hope to one day be able to share with our child(ren).   In particular, I would like to someday be able to call upon that special gift that all mothers have...Mom Guilt.    I feel like going through IVF should give me enough Mom Guilt to get the kid to at least college, if not more.   I plan on playing the Mom Guilt card with wild abandon.  Don't judge me.  And in that spirit...I present to you... A Terribly True Truthful Tale About IVF.

Warning: the next paragraphs are about BODILY FUNCTIONS.  If you are not comfortable with BODILY FUNCTIONS (and if you are not, I ask...why are you here? and how are we friends?), you best abort now.

Early on in the IVF process, I remember a nurse telling us that during the embryo transfer, I would need to have a full bladder.  It was one of those things I filed under Not Very Important Right Now As I'm Signing Big Checks and Sticking Myself Repeatedly with Large Needles.   Most of you know, I have what could be generously be referred to as a squirrel-sized bladder.  And with all the water and coconut water (it's like a natural version of gatorade) I've been drinking, I practically wore a path in my in-laws hardwood floors to the bathroom.

I was not allowed to eat or drink anything after midnight the night before the transfer.  I (stupidly) assumed that this would make the whole having a full bladder thing easier.  It did not.   I was allowed to use the restroom at home, but once we got to the hospital...it was no go...literally.  We arrived at the appointed time of 8:00am for an alleged 10:15 am transfer.  By 8:15, Nick was scrubbed up, I was rocking a hospital gown (and booties!  the best thing about the procedure, other than, you know...possibly getting pregnant, was these delightful fuzzy booties with grippies on the bottom) and we had nothing to do to wait and...not go to the bathroom.

Nick entertained me with impersonations for the first hour but after that, I wasn't so much in the mood for talking, as The Pressure To Go Was Setting In.  I tried reclining in my chair but that didn't help, sitting cross-legged - also didn't work.  The minutes ticked away slower and slower but eventually it was 10:10 and I knew the end was in sight.  Except then it was 10:20...and then 10:30....and then 10:40...and then 10:50.  At this point, Nick is threatening to go pick a fight with the nurses (remember...Papa Bear!) and I'm telling him "oh, no...I'll be fine.  I can keep waiting." as I tense my entire body in order to not pee on the chair.  Eventually, Nick went to the nurses station to see what was going on. 

He returned with a shame-faced nurse who clucked at me sympathetically and told me she was so sorry, but it was going to be 20 minutes more.  I nearly fainted, but I realized I had made it this far, so I could make it 20 minutes more.  Then, the icing on the cake...she asked me if I wanted to use the restroom and 'just go a little bit'.  Really?  People do that?  That's a thing?  Just 'going a little bit'?  I'm not familiar with this urination technique.   I suppose I'm an all or nothing gal.

Word must have gotten out amongst the nurses about my amazing pee holding in ability because after not having seen a soul for two hours, there was a constant stream of nurses peeking in our door, patting my knee and telling me they knew just how I felt.  I don't think you do, ladies, I don't think you do.  My resolve to be strong wavered somewhere around 11:05am and when another nurse came into pat my head and look sympathetic, I lost it when she left the room.  The following is the dialogue that took place between Nick and I shortly thereafter.

Me: All of these stupid nurses are being so stupid nice!
Nick: Yeah, I can see how that would be annoying.
Me:  I hate them!  With their niceness!  (bursts into tears)
Nick: Would you prefer them to be mean?
Me: NO!  I want them to be cold, emotionless robots with no feelings.  Like Rosie on The Jetsons.  (sobs)  Niceness...is so...so...STUPID.
Nick: I'm just going to go see how much closer we are.

Finally, at approximately 11:20, we got into the procedure room and by 11:30, I was allowed to relieve myself.  Do you know what happens when you hold it for that long though?  It gets shy and doesn't want to come out.  I'm sorry...I know you're all very delicate and I hate that I have to be so brutally honest with you, but it's true. 

Fortunately, it didn't take long and then we All Lived Happily Ever After, Amen.

And then there were two...

Embryos, that is...our 'lucky ducks' as we've taken to calling them.

This morning, as we were driving to the hospital I said to Nick that I wished that things hadn't gone so swimmingly up to this point...that whatever 'wrench' was going to be thrown our way would have already happened so we could feel confident that there wouldn't be any surprises on this all important day.  I believe in literature that's what you call foreshadowing.

So, the good news is...we had two embryos implanted and the transfer went textbook perfect.  One of the embryos was practically perfect (actually growing faster than expected) and the other was very, very good.  The other news...and the news we feared this whole last 4.5 months...was that, at this point, none of the other embryos are high enough quality to freeze.  They'll continue to watch them and there's still a chance that they could develop to the point where they could be frozen.  Rather than try to poorly explain the embryo quality/classification/freezing process, I'm just going to point you here if you're interested.  We won't know until Wednesday.

I have to say...this was a blow.  We knew it was a possibility but it was going to make it so much easier to stay positive if we knew we had other embryos as 'back ups'.  We've thought of nothing else for 4.5 months but this moment.   However, the embryos that were transferred were fantastic so we're going to concentrate all of our energy on making sure they stick!  I have another acupuncture appointment this afternoon and several scheduled over the next few weeks. 

In the spirit of optimism, would you like to see a photo of our lucky ducks...AKA baby's first photo?  Pretty incredible!

 And now, because there have been next to zero pictures of actual people on this blog as of late...Nick and I at the transfer today.  Doesn't Nick look handsome in his scrubs?  Hands off ladies, he's mine!

As were walking into the house, a delivery man from Edible Arrangements showed up with a package for me.  I know I've mentioned my 'support group' of six other women who are at various stages in the infertility/trying to get pregnant process....these lovely ladies sent me the most wonderful box of chocolate dipped fruit.  This is the kind of healthy eating I can get behind!  You'll notice I already devoured one.

In summary....4.5 months...2 embryos...hopefully one positive pregnancy test soon.  Again, our deepest thanks for your love, support, prayers and good thoughts.  If I could share my chocolate covered fruit with each of you...well, I probably wouldn't share.  But I love you all just the same. XOXO

Looking the part...

Tomorrow is the big day and we couldn't be more excited...Nick and I were in the car today and I looked over at him and said "Hey...we're getting pregnant tomorrow!" as if it had just dawned on me.  There's so much going on emotionally and physically in this process that I almost sorta kinda forgot the whole reason we're doing it.

So, what have we been up to?  Well, although I won't technically (fingers crossed) be getting pregnant until tomorrow, I LOOK like I'm about five months along.  The post egg retrieval bloat hit and boy did it hit hard.  Nicole - thank you for telling me to bring lots of yoga pants with me because that is the only thing that is comfortable to wear right now.  Unfortunately, my normal mostly vegetarian diet of grains, legumes and veggies/fruits is not helping matters. Today, when I went to the acupuncturist, I told her I was afraid that if she stuck a needle in my stomach it would pop like a balloon.  She assured me that was not the case.

Speaking of acupuncturists, I can't believe my luck in finding my way to a great one here -Maureen Fox.  She's been so supportive and helpful, particularly as in addition to being a licensed acupuncturist, she is also an RN...so she's a nice balance of Western Medicine and Eastern Medicine.  In fact, when our schedule got bumped up and we learned that our transfer would be on Sunday, she got one of her colleagues to agree to come into the clinic to see me both in the morning and the afternoon of the procedure, Lori Chapman (Maureen was out of town).  St. Louisians - if you're interested in trying acupuncture, I'd definitely recommend both of these women.

I saw Lori today and, along with acupuncture, she used a moxa stick, which is the burning of herbs at specific acupuncture points.  More information here if you're interested.  She also put her hands on my stomach and felt the energy of my womb before and after the acupuncture.  I know...it sounds crazy.  I get it.  But, the most important thing Dr. Silber has told us throughout this process is to manage our stress levels...if nothing else, acupuncture is definitely relaxing and I feel so much better afterwards.

At any rate, she said that I had a very welcoming womb and that my energy was good...and that she could feel a good anticipation around me.  I asked if she ever felt an un-welcoming womb; she laughed and said that, yes, sometimes she could tell that something wasn't right.  So, there you have it...my womb is ready.  Seriously, there is part of my brain that I can practically feel screaming at me for buying into all of this stuff, but right now, I'm choosing not to listen. :)

Last night, Nick and I joined our friend and former roommate Jessica to see Harry Potter in 3D and Imax.  There was a huge line but luckily Jessica and two of her friends scored spots at the front, so our seats were perfect.  The movie was great and was one of the few times, I've felt that 3D was worth the cost.  I'm kinda sad the movies are over...Nick is not. :)

Today, we ventured to the most popular BBQ restaurant in St. Louis...Pappy's.  But a special guest post by Nick is coming on that soon, so I'll just leave you in suspense.  Our embryo transfer is scheduled for 10:15 am tomorrow...cross your fingers and toes!

Lucky ducks

I can't believe I spent so much time updating you all on, you know, the ovary and egg situation yesterday that I completely forgot the most important thing...I saw my lucky ducks again!  On Wednesday, I was driving into the hospital and they were crossing the road.  So, OF COURSE, I stopped traffic so I could 1) not smash them with my car and 2) take a picture.  The doctor behind me in a BMW really enjoyed it, I assure you.

The other Very Important Thing I forgot to mention was the present I got in the mail on Wednesday.  Remember Nate the Needle?  My dear friend, Vince (the artist himself) sent me a mug with Nate plastered on it.  It's a real conversation piece.   I'm sitting here drinking coffee in it right now.  I feel compelled to apologize for the lack of even reasonable quality pictures right now but I'm really too lazy to take pictures with anything but my camera.  Clearly, you aren't reading this blog for its amazing photo quality, so I suppose you are all okay with that.

And now back to our regularly scheduled IVF updates.

IVF Update #1: Nick gave me my first intramuscular shot of progesterone this morning at 5:45 am.  I had one at the hospital yesterday but I was on a Percoset high, so that hardly counts.  After about 20 minutes of debating where my 'haunches' (the location the nurse said the shot should go in) were, we did it.  Honestly, it wasn't that bad.  Or at least...it was as easy as getting a large shot in the butt can be.  We get to do this for at least three weeks and maybe more...woot!

IVF Update #2: I spoke with the clinic today and they were able to fertilize 16 of my eggs...of those 16, eight have definitely fertilized and they are watching five more that they think might still fertilize.  Grow, little embies grow!

IVF Update #3: Our transfer is scheduled for 11:15 am on Sunday...so excited!

Question: How do you know you're in St. Louis?

Answer: When even the pre-op nurse at the hospital asks you what high school you went to.

Back at home and after a three hour nap, I'm finally feeling ready to update.  Everything went really well this morning.  We checked in at the appointed time of 7:30am and did a lot of waiting until my procedure at 10am.  I wasn't allowed to have any food or drink after midnight last night so I was getting a bit...'hangry' this morning.  Luckily, Nick forgot to eat breakfast, too so I had company.

We had the nicest nurses all morning...this is one of the reasons I like living in the Midwest...people are just genuinely nice.  And of course, as is the tradition in St. Louis, they all asked Nick what high school he went to.  Dr. Silber and the assisting physician Dr. Derosa came to meet with us briefly before the procedure and then they wheeled me away.  I must find out how they warm their blankets because they kept me under a steady stream of toasty blankets all morning.  I'm spoiled now...a regular blanket won't do.

One minute I was in the operating room and the next I was waking up being wheeled back to recovery with Nick.  The surgeons came in and told us they got 20 eggs which is really super duper good.  They told us to expect about six embryos and we'll get reports each day starting tomorrow on how our 'embies' are growing before the transfer on Sunday.

I was VERY unprepared for how uncomfortable I would be after the procedure.  Actually, uncomfortable is a misnomer.  I was in pain.  It was like menstrual cramps on steroids.  They said I was in more pain than some people because of the number of follicles I had.  I must have looked grumpy because the nurse asked me if I wanted a percoset and I'm no fool...I said yes.

After I woke up and it was getting close to time to leave, I asked Nick if I said anything funny when I first came out of recovery.  Once, when Nick was in surgery, he had me in stitches with some of the stuff he said during recovery.  He said no, though....boo.

They wheeled me out in a wheelchair (the nurse wouldn't pop a wheelie, though...I asked) and then we were on our way home!  Well, after a trip to Steak and Shake for a chocolate shake.  I was ravenous.  We both took naps this afternoon and I still feel a little groggy/uncomfortable so it's probably time for another nap. :)

I feel like I close every post this way, but let me say a sincere thank you AGAIN for all the calls, emails, texts, Facebook messages, and general good thoughts/prayers you've sent our way.  Love to you all! XO

The final countdown...

Despite some massive minor anxiety about giving myself the trigger shot last night, I managed to do it.  The trigger shot is a little more complicated than the others...diluent and powder that had to be mixed and switching needles.  Although, once again, the Internet saved the day.  I managed to find step by step instructions on You Tube which helped a ton.  Glad it's over!

I feel a little more uncomfortable today...bloated and full feeling.  It's still not terrible, though - mostly just annoying.  Although I think I prefer feeling SOMETHING going on down there...that way I know it's working.

Yesterday flew by...I tried to catch up on some work emails and then had lunch with my friend Jessica, who just returned from a year and a half of living and working in New Zealand and is currently in the midst of a cross country road trip with a convenient (for me, anyway) stop over in St. Louis.  You can tell she's 'good people' because she was amicable (good word, right, Jess?) to splitting/sharing lunch entrees with me.  Fingers crossed that Nick and I get to go see Harry Potter with her on Friday night.

I also had another nice surprise in the mail from my darling husband...these beautiful, sunshine-y flowers.  I realize this is a horrible picture but I did a terrible job arranging them so they really only are pretty from the top.  Thanks, hon!  He is coming into St. Louis tonight, although, sadly...not by train. :(  The train sold out (how is that even possible?!) so he's driving.  Special thanks, however, to Jenni for being willing to help get Nick to the train station.  This is the benefit of having a friend who is a teacher with summers off. :)

Today, I have some last minute appointments and for the first time in several weeks...no shots!   The egg retrieval is scheduled for 9:45 am tomorrow morning and then I may take it easy the rest of the day so probably no updates.  Thanks to all of you for sending prayers and good thoughts our way!  Hugs all around....

Pulling the trigger...

Just got off the phone with the clinic and we are definitely moving up the egg retrieval date to Thursday!  Yay!  I don't know why I'm so excited about this...it really doesn't matter when we do it, as long as it happens.  Oh, wait....I do know why I'm so excited...because now I can go with my friend Jessica to see Harry Potter on Friday night!  :)  I really can't think of a better reason.

The change in schedule means that I give myself the trigger shot tonight.  The trigger shot is a big dose of HCG  that makes the follicles mature so that the eggs can be retrieved.  (On a completely unrelated note, every time the clinic talks about the trigger shot, I think of Roy Rogers' horse, Trigger. A quick check of Wikipedia revealed that a likeness of Trigger was on display in Branson, Missouri until 2009.  Fun fact for the day.)

Insert Clever Title Here

I'm dragging a little bit this morning (hence why I can't think of a clever title), despite my 'splurge' of a skinny mocha coconut frappucino.  Couldn't sleep last night...possibly because I took a two hour nap or possibly because I was so super duper excited to get a care package from my awesome co-workers.

Lots of good stuff to keep me occupied, although the KU jayhawk lip balm is questionable.  I have a reasonable suspicion about who might be responsible for that, Susie.  :)  I love getting packages in the mail and this one did not disappoint.  You guys are the greatest!  Hugs to Ann, Beth, Vince, Lezlie, Susie and Liz.  Also, Liz - please tell Ella that I am enjoying the Disney Princess crosswords.  Much more my speed than the New York Times.

Nick's mom took me out to a wonderful lunch yesterday at Bixby's which is in the Missouri History Museum in Forest Park.  St. Louis, people - get ye'selves there.  So good.  We shared a spinach salad and then each had the vegetable napoleon, which was big pieces of squash, pepper and eggplant roasted and then layered with manchego.  I died, came back to life, and then died again.  We also picked up a chicken and prosciutto sandwich for my father in law, who has been quite patient with all of the vegetarian cooking we've been doing, but I suspected that patience might be nearing the end. :)  Luckily, they are headed to Venezuela tomorrow and will be eating lots of wonderfully yummy food, I imagine.

I got to spend last night with Jean, Joel and their adorable eight month old son, Andrew, who was so cute, I was half tempted to forget the IVF and just steal him.  Jean and I share a love of bad reality TV, so we ate some fan-friggin-tastic pizza from Dewey's, gossiped, and watched The Bachelorette.  All of the seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are horrible (and by horrible, I mean amazing to watch because you feel so much better about yourself compared to the vapid, brainless reality TV 'stars'), but this one is PARTICULARLY horrible...and also delightful.

I continue to feel really good...frankly, better than I do most of the time.  The bloating hasn't been too bad and I feel like myself.  I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, though.  Yesterday, I had 16 follicles on my right ovary and 13 on my left...today, I have 18 on each, so they think my egg retrieval is going to get moved up to Thursday or Friday.  (Fist pump!)  Nick is taking the train in tomorrow, so we're getting close.  Oh, also, I made friends with the blood draw ladies.  They've been admiring my Gelish manicure, so I shared with them the relative benefits of Shellac vs Gelish vs Axium.  And I haven't thrown up on them once!  Go, me.

Relaxing is exhausting...

My mom asked me this morning what I did this weekend and I didn't have a good answer.  I felt really busy and took several naps but looking back, I don't think I did that much.  As I told my mother in law, Rose, yesterday, all this doing nothing and relaxing is exhausting.  Mostly, I've been cooking great healthy meals with Rose which has been super fun.  Nothing is more relaxing to me than cooking.  Nick came into town Friday night and left yesterday.  Nick's dad, Bill, generously offered us amazing seats for the Cardinals game Saturday evening, but unfortunately, my injection schedule got in the way.  So, Nick and Bill went along with Nick's Aunt Pat and her boyfriend, Jack.  Honestly, though, it was so much more fun watching them on TV.  They were right behind home plate.  Luckily no one was caught picking their nose, although I did get this shot of Nick shoveling ice cream in his mouth like it's his job.

Today's monitoring appointment was super exciting...I got to see all the follicles that are developing on the ultrasound.  When they came up on the screen, the tech's eyes got big and she said 'wow, you're body REALLY likes these drugs'.  The follicles were clustered like grapes and we stopped counting after a dozen on each side...there were a lot more and some that are growing really well.  Say it with me, people...rockstar ovaries! 

My goal of 'winning' at IVF by going early may just happen.  She also said she'd be really surprised if my doctor doesn't speed up the process and move my egg retrieval back a day or two.  Music to my ears.   I really dislike Charlie Sheen but if ever there were a occasion to quote him...today it would be.  Winning!

Perhaps most exciting of all (to me) were the baby ducks I saw outside the hospital.  I think it's a good sign, don't you all? :)  (Although I don't really want a flock...is that what you call a group of ducks?  I don't know.  Just one would be fine.  Baby, that is.  Not ducks. I'm not sure our neighborhood is zoned for ducks.)

My ovaries are rockstars...

Talked with the nurse last night after they got all of my bloodwork and ultrasound results back.  There's actually four measurable follicles on each ovary, plus an additional 13 per ovary that are growing.  :::pats stomach affectionately:::

The rest of my bloodwork looked good, too.  I don't really understand it all, but I'm going to try and have some of my IVF buddies and the nurses explain it to me.

Yesterday, I had my first acupuncture appointment in St. Louis...it took nearly two hours.  She spent the first hour going over my diet, exercise, supplements, stress management, medical history, fertility history, etc.  Then she spent the second hour actually stickin' needles in me.  It was by far the most needles I've ever had...I lost count at 20.  I felt great afterwards, though and she even convinced me to bring Nick in next week.  And more importantly, Nick didn't balk when I told him as much.

May have overdone it on the eating healthy yesterday...I did not feel well last night at all.  I'm finally starting to have some bloating and discomfort, but I drank a ton of water and took it easy on my super fiber rich shake this morning, so I feel a lot better.  That's probably a lot more than you want to know about my fiber intake, but I don't care.  I could talk fiber for hours!

I thought I might get bored but my schedule is pretty jam packed next week between appointments, acupuncture and seeing all my STL friends...which is perfect.   I do have to save time for some special projects I'm working on for my mom and mother in law.  Mom - if you're reading, SEND ME THE ADDRESSES!  Also, love you.

In case you're wondering, Carl is also Just Fine although I'm pretty sure he now associates me with painful peeing and my brother/mom/dad with SALVATION!  Alex sent me this video to prove it.  Thank God my family are all cat people (no offense to dog people...it's just that cat people are infinitely superior, you see).

Check, please!

Arrived in St. Louis safely yesterday (after driving 4.5 hours in the rain...there is nothing that makes a road trip go by slow like constant rain) and had a nice dinner with Nick's parents, Rose and Bill (along with about a three hour conversation about nutrition...Nick's probably glad I'm getting that out of my system before he gets to St. Louis).

Today, I had my first follicle check...basically to see how many follicles that could turn into eggs are in my ovaries.  As you might expect, I have superstar ovaries.  Or at least that's what they told me.  There are three measurable follicles on each ovary already...that probably doesn't mean anything to you, but trust me, this is good.  Gold star for me!

Interestingly, I could spot all of Dr. Silber's other patients.  We were all wearing knit dresses (easy to get in and out of) and carrying huge binders full of paperwork (I am pretty proud of my binder and it's neatly labeled folders).  We all kind of exchanged knowing glances while waiting.  Or at least I think we were.  It's possible they were trying to figure out why the woman in the purple dress kept nodding at them.

After the ultrasound, it was off to my nemesis...the lab.  Earlier this week when I had blood drawn, they missed my vein and I ended up with a nasty looking bruise.  The nurse today took one look at that arm and quietly said 'did WE do that to you'?  She looked relieved when I said no and proceeded to take a vial of blood from me in a blink of an eye.  Easy as pie.  I'll find out the results of the bloodwork later today.

For now, I'm off to the acupuncturist.  Thank you for all the good wishes, kind words, prayers and thoughts you've sent to Nick and I.  They are much appreciated! XO

On being a pincushion

Sorry for the radio silence.  I've been trying to fill up every single minute of my days with packing/preparing/finishing work/hanging out with friends/generally avoiding thinking about what's about to happen.  So there's been that.

This weekend, I:

• Got my hair cut and colored because my IVF coordinator told me it's a good idea to get it done right now in case we are blessed enough to get pregnant this first time (and hair coloring is generally avoided in the 1st trimester)
• Bought a new pair of stretchy yoga pants on the advice of a good friend who's been through IVF...apparently I'm going to be a hot bloated mess.
• Went to Clinton Lake with Nick...he rode his bike...I hung out in the water.
• Had a marathon day with Jenni and Jill of church, lunch, swimming pool, hanging out and seeing Bad Teacher (very funny!) and then went to a BBQ with Nick
• Went swimming with Nick, made a mixed berry crumble and then went to another BBQ.
• Fell asleep at 7pm on Monday and in doing so, missed all of the fireworks.  Not a big loss in my book.

I actually did such a good job of avoiding thinking that the 'real' part of the IVF cycle was starting today that I nearly forgot that I had my first monitoring appointment this morning so I was running late and was quite flustered when I arrived.  I realized when I got there that the outfit I had chosen had FAR too many buttons and zippers and was a poor choice for a doctor visit day.  And, then I made a rather embarrassing gaffe that I won't go into here, but let's just say I didn't listen closely to the nurse's instructions about what clothes I could leave on for the exam and what had to be removed.  Luckily, I managed to get out of there with most of my dignity intact.

The nurse from our fertility clinic called this afternoon and said everything looks good and gave me my dosage instructions.  Now, in addition to the Lupron, I'm taking Follistim (which comes in this very neat pen looking thing...my geeky office-supply loving self can't help but admire it) and very small doses of HCG.  I rotated where I gave each of the shots, but between the needles and the bloodwork I've had to do, I'm starting to feel distinctly pin-cushion-esque.  Some of you who know me well will recall that I'm not a good blood-giver.  In fact, I've both 1) passed out, 2) thrown up on a nurse and 3) a combination of 1 and 2 on more than one occasion.

In an attempt to put a positive spin on things, though, I remembered when I was little that either my mom or grandma had a pincushion that was shaped like an apple with a happy face on it.  So, I'm trying to be the happy apple pincushion.  It's not easy, folks.  It's hard out there for a pincushion.

One more day of work!!!

What To Expect When You're Trying To Be Expecting...

You might be wondering...just what exactly is Sarah going to do for two weeks in St. Louis?  Or, you might be asking yourself...when is Sarah going to start posting pictures of cute animals as promised in this blog header?  Today's post should satisfy both questions.

Tuesday, July 5th - my first monitoring appointment (which consists of an ultrasound and bloodwork) and the beginning of 'stims' (stimulating injections, which is 3-4 shots a day until the 'trigger' shot)

Wednesday, July 6th - my last day of work for two weeks (:::deep breaths:::) and final acupuncture appointment in KC

Thursday, July 7th - drive to St. Louis to Nick's parents' house

Friday, July 8th - first monitoring appointment in St. Louis in the morning...ultrasound and bloodwork and Nick drives in

Saturday, July 9th and Sunday, July 10th - hopefully I won't be too uncomfortable and can enjoy the weekend with the family...Nick's brother, Tim and our sister in law Becky will also be in St. Louis and we have plans to see the Cards play. Nick will drive back to KC on Sunday.

Monday, July 11th - monitoring appointment in the AM...play in the afternoon

Tuesday, July 12th - acupuncture appointment in the AM, doctor's appointment in the PM

Wednesday, July 13th - monitoring appointment in the AM, life coach appointment..fun stuff in the afternoon

Thursday, July 14th - Nick arrives! Possibly by train! (Side note: One of my most memorable Christmases ever was one where I took the train from KC to STL and Nick picked me up at the Kirkwood train station...when I got off the train, he was singing "I'll Be Home For Christmas" in a very loud, sort of off-key tone...but it was cute.) Possible date of 'trigger' shot. Most likely a midnight screening of Harry Pottter. :)

Friday, July 15th - monitoring appointment in the AM...nervous fretting in the afternoon

Saturday, July 16th - egg retrieval!  I'll be under sedation so I'm supposed to take it east the rest of the weekend.

Sunday, July 17th and Monday, July 18th - worry, rest, worry, rest, embryo creation magic and so on.

Tuesday, July 19th - embryo transfer!  Rest

Wednesday, July 20th -drive back to KC

Thursday, July 21st - back to work, worry and wait, worry and wait

The fun part is...from the 13th on...the schedule could vary by about 1-2 days depending on how I respond to the drugs (remember...superstar of IVF treatments, right?!)...I'm pretty sure I have amazing ovaries and they are likely over-achievers just like me, so hopefully I 'go early'.  I'll probably give them a pep talk in advance, maybe something like this....

And, now a random adorable animal video. (Warning: Unless you have no soul, you will cry.)

So, if you all want to pray/think good thoughts/send positive energy/wish on a star/insert your preferred spiritual activity here particularly around July 15-20, it would be much appreciated.  XO, Sarah

P.S.  Sorry this was kind of a lame post.  I promise to be more cheerful and entertaining next time.  Trying to get all the projects I'm working on at work wrapped up before I leave is killing me.

P.P.S.  I do have some plans for an upcoming post highlighting Nick's Fat Cat Blues vocal stylings, but first I have to try and catch him singing and then record it.  So, get excited for that, folks.

How To Scare Yourself Silly in Three Easy Steps or Sarah Is Officially Banned from Using the Internet

I often wonder what we did before the Internet...need to look up directions? Internet.  Looking for a new recipe? Internet.  Trying to figure out where to have dinner/what movie to see/concert to go to?  Internet.  But as anyone who has spent early morning hours listing their symptoms on WebMD in the unshakable belief that they have a brain tumor/African parasite/or other horrifying/incurable disease will tell you, too much Internet can be a bad thing.

Such is the case with infertility and IVF treatments.  On the positive side, there is a lot of great information and testimonials from people who have been where you are.  When you're feeling low about the process, it's great to hear how successful other people have been.  Plus, it can give you a bit of perspective...what it can also do, my readers...and I'm going to put this bluntly...is scare the shit out of you.

It will probably not surprise you to learn that this post is not about the helpful type of Internet browsing and instead, what I affectionately call The Dark Side of the Internets. 

I've had this niggling fear about the intramuscular (that's just a nice way of saying a shot in the butt) shots of progesterone that Nick will have to give me for at least two weeks every day (and probably for a total of six-eight weeks if we are lucky enough to get pregnant this first try).  The purpose of the progesterone is to ensure your uterine lining will be welcoming and inviting to embryos (side note: I like to picture my uterus wearing a Snuggie.  What embryo WOULDN'T want to cozy up to a uterine lining like THAT?) (side side note: there is an alternative way to get the progesterone to your body but I don't think you want to know what it is.  Okay, fine...I'll tell you...it's a suppository.  Probably the only time that a suppository looks good to me, comparatively speaking anyway.)

Anyway, I've basically been pretending like these shots don't exist because hello?  That's way in the future!  Only...it's not.  We're talking weeks at this point.  And so, my Google Search History looks something like this:

• Progesterone Shots - are they really necessary?
• Progesterone Shots - why does my doctor hate me?
• Progesterone Shots - surely I can just mix it up with a smoothie and drink it?
• Progesterone Shots - will I want to stab my husband?
• Progesterone Shots - how much pain are we talking about here...like...oof, that muscle is a little sore, I could use a massage kinda pain OR yelling at the husband with a fury of a thousand sons that under no circumstances will he be coming anywhere near me with that needle, so help me god?!
• Progesterone Shots - okay, fine I get it, I'm spending a lot of money to get pregnant, I'm going to have to woman up, but could you at least give me some tips to ease the pain?!?!

Ad nauseum.

The good news is that I did, actually, find quite a bit of helpful information.  Bad news - I also read dozens of horror stories, each one more awful than the last....to the point where I had worked myself up into such a state of hysteria that I had to go wake Nick up this morning.

Me: :::poking Nick::::  "Hey, Nick!" whispered
Nick: garuiklmapbjablld (rolls over)
Me: ::::poking Nick harder::: "Nick!" slightly louder
Nick:  garaiupmadspiadskfkldsajl (nestles closer in to his pillow)
Me: NICK!!!
Nick: ::::eyes fly open::::
Me: "Oh, good, you're awake!"
Nick: ::::blinks in confusion::::
Me: "I'm scared of the shots you're going to give me."
Nick:  "Okay."
Me: "No, I mean, I'm like REALLY scared.  Like that time we watched Paranormal Activity scared."
Nick: "Uh huh."
Me: (beginning to get frustrated that he isn't understand the depth of what I'm saying) "Because you know...it's like a huge needle, and apparently I'm going to be all lumpy and bruised and possibly paralyzed and you're going to have to drive me to work and carry me around the house and bring me ice cream on demand." (the last part I just threw in figuring it couldn't hurt to have him prepared)
Nick: "I'm hungry."
Me: $%#@! (At this point, I am about to Officially Lose My Shit, which is the point in an argument where I stop making logical sense and just start making sounds akin to a Howler Monkey) (EXCEPT...my stomach started rumbling at the mention of breakfast, so in this situation - love of breakfast > fear of large needles.)

And so we went here for brunch and then here to buy some fresh fruit and vegetables and then here for the most wonderful macarons.   And I felt better.  Oh, and Nick said some nice stuff about how it was all going to be worth it, and I was such a trooper and blah di blah...logic is so infuriating sometimes.

Symptoms include...

One of my biggest fears throughout this process is the side effects from from the fertility drugs.  I've talked to quite a few people about their experiences and they vary wildly from practically none to 'oh my god'.  It doesn't help that all the literature that comes with the drugs lists out millions of horrifying effects.  Here's a (tongue in cheek) sample.

• Headaches
• Hot flashes
• Mood swings
• Unfounded feelings that people are intentionally trying to irritate you
• Uncontrollable urges to smack irritating people (they're asking for it!)
• Inability to stop reading blogs about pregnancy and infertility
• Inability to stop crying while reading blogs about pregnancy and fertility
• Crying whilst watching the last scene of Parenthood (so many babies!)
• Fire coming out of your mouth
• Ovaries exploding
• Spousal murder
• QUADRUPLETS!

Fortunately, to this point, I think I'm only experiencing mild irritation and hot flashes.  However, I've already affectionately named the beast lurking within me that is (apparently) going to come out as the medications increase.  Hurricane Helga and Her Hormones of Doom.  Please be on the lookout for her and avoid her at all costs.  Also, Nick, if you're reading- you may want to keep some Ben and Jerry's on hand just in case.  I understand that is the only antidote to her torrent of fertility med induced rants.  I'm just looking out for your safety.

I've got a question...part deux

I intended to do a second FAQ last week, but instead I was distracted by alcohol (happy hours!), drugs (in my refrigerator!) and coffee (my shiny new Keurig -if you were here right now, I'd make you a cup of coffee!)  But, here it is...the much anticipated second installment of Sarah Answers Questions You're Probably Thinking But Won't Ask.

Let's get started...

Aren't you nervous this won't work?
I wouldn't say I'm nervous so much as wracked with fear and absolutely petrified...and yet also...strangely optimistic.  Nick would probably say he's more nervous than optimistic, but I cheerfully try to bring him to the glass half-full side every day (i.e. preemptive Father's Day gifts!).


What happens if this cycle doesn't work?
I suspect there will be a lot of tears (me), stamping my feet (me) and self-pitying (Nick) going on.  There's really two possible scenarios.  Scenario #1 is that we don't get pregnant this cycle, BUT we produce enough viable embryos (that will be frozen if not chosen for the first transfer) that we can do what's called a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) at a later date.  We actually chose our doctor specifically for his FET rates of success, which are equally as good as a 'fresh' cycle...that's pretty unusual and worth the extra effort on our part to do a cycle out of town.

Scenario #2 is That Which We Don't Speak Of...I'm only kinda kidding.  In this scenario, not only does the cycle not work, but we also don't produce any embryos for an FET.  If that happens, well, that's just a bridge we'll cross later.

Sarah - aren't you concerned at all about how your cat children are going to react to their new brother(s)/sister(s)?
As a very responsible cat owner, yes, yes I am.  We spent years waffling on whether or not to have children because oh my god, you guys, what if Carl and Zoe don't like the babeeeee?  And what if they think we don't love them anymore?

I'm only kidding.  I suspect the cats will treat any new addition to the house much like they do a new piece of furniture - half-hearted interest at first quickly turning into boredom and then indifference.  And they might pee on the kid(s).  Whatever.

Sarah - what kind of amazing, awesome, sweet surprises does Nick have in store for you while you're in St. Louis getting poked and prodded every day?
You GUYS!  You are so thoughtful.  I don't know, but I'm sure whatever he has planned will be really, really good. (she says without a trace of menace at all).

Is Nick prepared at all for the onslaught of hormones that are going to course through your system in the upcoming weeks? 
All signs point to yes, as he already appears to be acting extra special nice by helping out more around the house, giving me more snuggles (I love my snuggles!  Nick's going to kill me for writing this!) and just generally going out of his way to be helpful (i.e. my super awesome color coded Excel spreadsheet for medications/injections).

I want to read your blog, but I am too busy and important to check it every day to see if you've written another literary masterpiece.  What should I do?
As a fellow busy and important person, I appreciate where you're coming from.  If you look over to your right at the top of this page, you'll see a box that says "Sign Up for Super Awesome Email Delivery"...enter your email address and then you'll receive notifications when a new post is up.

Are you insanely excited to see the final installment in the Harry Potter series?
Do you know me at all? YES.

Are you going to make Nick take you to see it while you're in St. Louis?
Most likely.


Are you devastated now that Oprah is off the air?
I don't want to talk about it.

Shots on the house...

Yesterday was D-day...started my Lupron injections (lupron is the drug that suppresses ovulation).  I actually got a little over-eager and practically stumbled over myself from the car into the house.  I was simultaneously excited and nervous, although that quickly turned to 100% nervous.

Nick helped me read the directions and prep...thank goodness he was there.  Even though I did just fine in the doctor's office, I froze when I actually had to stick myself.  I just stood there pinching some skin around my belly button with the needle poised to strike.  I closed my eyes, tried to jab myself and FAILED.  I chickened out at the last minute and succeeded only in sticking myself, but not injecting the medicine.  D'oh.  Nick appeared to be stifling laughter and I shot him a murderous glance. 

Finally, I put my big girl panties on (I hate that saying normally, but it is appropriate in this situation) and just did the darn thing.  It stung more than I thought it would, but I guess it wasn't TOO bad and apparently, it will get better.

Here's a fairly unflattering photo of me right before the shot.  Please excuse rumpled clothes, messy hair and vaguely terrified expression on my face.

In order to better handle this whole shots thing, I commissioned a piece of artwork courtesy of my dear friend Vince and his mad MS Paint skillz.  I've decided if I envision a friendly cartoon needle (I'm embracing my inner five year old), perhaps things won't be so bad.  Meet Nate, the friendliest needle this side of the Missisippi.  And a Royals fan, too!

Who could be afraid of this guy? :)

And finally, apropos of nothing, really...a photo of me on Sunday morning as Nick was working on the ribs.  In my defense, I got up at 6am with him and half-assedly doused lovingly sprinkled each rack of ribs with the secret rub mixture. (Hee! Spell check just told me that I spelled half-assedly wrong!)