Revenge of the Pincushion

I've been a little....grumpy this week.  A couple of factors are to blame - lack of sleep (allergies - argh!), lots going on at work, and vacation hangover.   It's important to note that I am not one prone to hysterics, public fits of crying, or snapping at medical professionals.   I consider myself a fairly well-adjusted person who, having worked in various fields of customer service, goes out of my way to be polite to anyone in that field.   All this by way of saying - I think I may have scared my nurses at the clinic this week.

I think I've explain my blood draw woes here before.  But for those of you who don't remember...I have the saddest little veins you ever did see.  Because I'm sadistic, I counted up how many times I've had my blood drawn in a year - 26.  Twenty-six!  I would say once out of every four times, they are able to get a vial on the first try and without blowing a vein.  Frankly, I'm surprised no one I work with thinks I have a drug problem based on the near constant bruising on my arms and hands.

I am 99% certain that the nurses at the clinic draw straws to see who gets to deal with me.  Below is a re-cap of my most recent experience.

Nurse: Okay, Sarah - did you drink a lot of water before you came in?  Remember, that helps!
Me: Yep!  (Gold star for me!  Also, I am going to float away in my attempt to get an A in water-drinking)
Nurse:  Let me take a look at your veins.
Me: The right elbow is useless; there's one you can get on the left side but it's sort of hidden. 
Nurse: :::Pokes my left arm repeatedly::: Hmmm....it's really hiding, isn't it?
Me: :::Nervous laughter:::
Nurse: Okay, I think I found it.  I think.
Me:  :::Panic rising:::  You know what?  Why don't we just take it from my hand?  Really, it's okay. 
Nurse: No, I think I've got it.
Me:  (thinking to self - don't be a hero, nurse!  Take it out of my hand!) Okay! (trying to be cheerful and optimistic) You can do this! (I've taken to giving my nurses pep talks)
Nurse:  Alright, here we go... (dig, dig, dig)...I think I see it...(dig, dig, dig)
Me: :::Trying not to faint:::
Nurse: Oh, dear.  That didn't work.
Me: ::::tries not to scream I told you so!:::  Well, guess we should go with the hand.  Here's the vein on the hand that works the best.
Nurse: Nope, I don't like the looks of that one.  I am going to try and get this one to work.  :::Points to sad looking vein:::
Me: Um, are you sure?  
Nurse:  Of course!  I've been doing this for years.  Trust me.
Me: Um, okay.
Nurse: Here we go again!  Okay, I'm in.  See -  I told you!
Me:  Yay?
Nurse: Oh, dear.
Me: What?
Nurse: Your veins aren't cooperating; the vial isn't getting filled all the way.
Me: :::screaming in head:::
Nurse:  I'm going to call in Other Nurse and see what she thinks.  Maybe this is enough for the test.  (Ed.note - almost all of my blood draws involve calling in Other Nurse for back-up and consultation.  It typically ends with both of them clucking in dismay over the sad state of my veins, which I KNOW.)
Me: Why don't we go ahead and try the other hand?  I've got a really great vein on that one.  :::Points to awesome vein and wiggle my hand in an attempt to attract their attention:::
Other Nurse: This is not enough blood.
Nurse: Well, let's check.  ::::clearly has given up and wants to be done with me:::: (to me) You can wait, right?
Me: Um, okay.
Other Nurse:  Hey, are you the person that Other Other Nurse did a blood draw on and she blew your vein really bad?
Me: That would be me. (infamy!)
Other Nurse:  Wow - she was so scared after that, she couldn't draw blood for a week!
Me:  I am not sure what I am supposed to say to that.
15 minutes later
Nurse: This is not enough blood.
Me: :::on verge of breakdown, but trying not to lose it::: Okay, let's do this!
Nurse:  Other Nurse, why don't you try this time? (Nurse has clearly lost her blood draw mojo)
Other Nurse: Okay, I choose this sad looking vein on your other hand.
Me:  Not this really good vein that works every time?
Other Nurse:  No, I like this one.
Me:  ::::screams in head::::
Other Nurse: Okay, here we go.   Oops, I blew that vein.

I'll end the dialogue here because at that point, I had been there for 45 minutes, was late for work, and just started crying.  Which I never do in public, which is fairly indicative of just how frustrated I was.   And while I am poking (ha!) fun at the nurses here, I really do love all of them and they've been very good to me...I think they're all scared of my veins and I'm scared of the draw and none of that makes anything go any smoother.

On this particular day, the draw culminated in my tearful claim to the nurses that "I...(sniff, sniff) told you (sniff, sniff) so....."  I think they took pity on me and decided that there was enough drawn to get the tests done.  Which there must have been because later they called and said my levels (estradiol aka estrogen and FSH) were fine.

In other news,

• (Okay, I promise this is the last needle reference!)  Stims started yesterday.  It's interesting to see how laissez-faire I've become to the injections.  When I first started doing them, we had calendars and reminders and alarms and this time, it was like 'oh, hey - I've got to go stick myself.  Be right back'.  Except I'm on a new follicle stimulating drug called Bravelle.  It's far more complicated to prepare (lots of vials and powders and such).  I ended up calling Uncle and had Nick come help me.  He's good at this type of stuff.  At any rate, follicles are officially being stimulated!  Huzzah!
• Last night, we went and saw Hunger Games. (Finally!  I was so sad to miss out on going to the midnight release with a group of girlfriends last week)  It's so rare that I like a movie as much as the books but in this case, I do.  Nick made me dig up the second and third books in the series when I got home so he could find out what happens next. :)

Alright, my friends.  I'm off.  My momma will be here soon.  We are co-hosting a brunch bridal shower tomorrow and we have a date with some quiche. :)

Lucky ducks

I can't believe I spent so much time updating you all on, you know, the ovary and egg situation yesterday that I completely forgot the most important thing...I saw my lucky ducks again!  On Wednesday, I was driving into the hospital and they were crossing the road.  So, OF COURSE, I stopped traffic so I could 1) not smash them with my car and 2) take a picture.  The doctor behind me in a BMW really enjoyed it, I assure you.

The other Very Important Thing I forgot to mention was the present I got in the mail on Wednesday.  Remember Nate the Needle?  My dear friend, Vince (the artist himself) sent me a mug with Nate plastered on it.  It's a real conversation piece.   I'm sitting here drinking coffee in it right now.  I feel compelled to apologize for the lack of even reasonable quality pictures right now but I'm really too lazy to take pictures with anything but my camera.  Clearly, you aren't reading this blog for its amazing photo quality, so I suppose you are all okay with that.

And now back to our regularly scheduled IVF updates.

IVF Update #1: Nick gave me my first intramuscular shot of progesterone this morning at 5:45 am.  I had one at the hospital yesterday but I was on a Percoset high, so that hardly counts.  After about 20 minutes of debating where my 'haunches' (the location the nurse said the shot should go in) were, we did it.  Honestly, it wasn't that bad.  Or at least...it was as easy as getting a large shot in the butt can be.  We get to do this for at least three weeks and maybe more...woot!

IVF Update #2: I spoke with the clinic today and they were able to fertilize 16 of my eggs...of those 16, eight have definitely fertilized and they are watching five more that they think might still fertilize.  Grow, little embies grow!

IVF Update #3: Our transfer is scheduled for 11:15 am on Sunday...so excited!

On being a pincushion

Sorry for the radio silence.  I've been trying to fill up every single minute of my days with packing/preparing/finishing work/hanging out with friends/generally avoiding thinking about what's about to happen.  So there's been that.

This weekend, I:

• Got my hair cut and colored because my IVF coordinator told me it's a good idea to get it done right now in case we are blessed enough to get pregnant this first time (and hair coloring is generally avoided in the 1st trimester)
• Bought a new pair of stretchy yoga pants on the advice of a good friend who's been through IVF...apparently I'm going to be a hot bloated mess.
• Went to Clinton Lake with Nick...he rode his bike...I hung out in the water.
• Had a marathon day with Jenni and Jill of church, lunch, swimming pool, hanging out and seeing Bad Teacher (very funny!) and then went to a BBQ with Nick
• Went swimming with Nick, made a mixed berry crumble and then went to another BBQ.
• Fell asleep at 7pm on Monday and in doing so, missed all of the fireworks.  Not a big loss in my book.

I actually did such a good job of avoiding thinking that the 'real' part of the IVF cycle was starting today that I nearly forgot that I had my first monitoring appointment this morning so I was running late and was quite flustered when I arrived.  I realized when I got there that the outfit I had chosen had FAR too many buttons and zippers and was a poor choice for a doctor visit day.  And, then I made a rather embarrassing gaffe that I won't go into here, but let's just say I didn't listen closely to the nurse's instructions about what clothes I could leave on for the exam and what had to be removed.  Luckily, I managed to get out of there with most of my dignity intact.

The nurse from our fertility clinic called this afternoon and said everything looks good and gave me my dosage instructions.  Now, in addition to the Lupron, I'm taking Follistim (which comes in this very neat pen looking thing...my geeky office-supply loving self can't help but admire it) and very small doses of HCG.  I rotated where I gave each of the shots, but between the needles and the bloodwork I've had to do, I'm starting to feel distinctly pin-cushion-esque.  Some of you who know me well will recall that I'm not a good blood-giver.  In fact, I've both 1) passed out, 2) thrown up on a nurse and 3) a combination of 1 and 2 on more than one occasion.

In an attempt to put a positive spin on things, though, I remembered when I was little that either my mom or grandma had a pincushion that was shaped like an apple with a happy face on it.  So, I'm trying to be the happy apple pincushion.  It's not easy, folks.  It's hard out there for a pincushion.

One more day of work!!!

How To Scare Yourself Silly in Three Easy Steps or Sarah Is Officially Banned from Using the Internet

I often wonder what we did before the Internet...need to look up directions? Internet.  Looking for a new recipe? Internet.  Trying to figure out where to have dinner/what movie to see/concert to go to?  Internet.  But as anyone who has spent early morning hours listing their symptoms on WebMD in the unshakable belief that they have a brain tumor/African parasite/or other horrifying/incurable disease will tell you, too much Internet can be a bad thing.

Such is the case with infertility and IVF treatments.  On the positive side, there is a lot of great information and testimonials from people who have been where you are.  When you're feeling low about the process, it's great to hear how successful other people have been.  Plus, it can give you a bit of perspective...what it can also do, my readers...and I'm going to put this bluntly...is scare the shit out of you.

It will probably not surprise you to learn that this post is not about the helpful type of Internet browsing and instead, what I affectionately call The Dark Side of the Internets. 

I've had this niggling fear about the intramuscular (that's just a nice way of saying a shot in the butt) shots of progesterone that Nick will have to give me for at least two weeks every day (and probably for a total of six-eight weeks if we are lucky enough to get pregnant this first try).  The purpose of the progesterone is to ensure your uterine lining will be welcoming and inviting to embryos (side note: I like to picture my uterus wearing a Snuggie.  What embryo WOULDN'T want to cozy up to a uterine lining like THAT?) (side side note: there is an alternative way to get the progesterone to your body but I don't think you want to know what it is.  Okay, fine...I'll tell you...it's a suppository.  Probably the only time that a suppository looks good to me, comparatively speaking anyway.)

Anyway, I've basically been pretending like these shots don't exist because hello?  That's way in the future!  Only...it's not.  We're talking weeks at this point.  And so, my Google Search History looks something like this:

• Progesterone Shots - are they really necessary?
• Progesterone Shots - why does my doctor hate me?
• Progesterone Shots - surely I can just mix it up with a smoothie and drink it?
• Progesterone Shots - will I want to stab my husband?
• Progesterone Shots - how much pain are we talking about here...like...oof, that muscle is a little sore, I could use a massage kinda pain OR yelling at the husband with a fury of a thousand sons that under no circumstances will he be coming anywhere near me with that needle, so help me god?!
• Progesterone Shots - okay, fine I get it, I'm spending a lot of money to get pregnant, I'm going to have to woman up, but could you at least give me some tips to ease the pain?!?!

Ad nauseum.

The good news is that I did, actually, find quite a bit of helpful information.  Bad news - I also read dozens of horror stories, each one more awful than the last....to the point where I had worked myself up into such a state of hysteria that I had to go wake Nick up this morning.

Me: :::poking Nick::::  "Hey, Nick!" whispered
Nick: garuiklmapbjablld (rolls over)
Me: ::::poking Nick harder::: "Nick!" slightly louder
Nick:  garaiupmadspiadskfkldsajl (nestles closer in to his pillow)
Me: NICK!!!
Nick: ::::eyes fly open::::
Me: "Oh, good, you're awake!"
Nick: ::::blinks in confusion::::
Me: "I'm scared of the shots you're going to give me."
Nick:  "Okay."
Me: "No, I mean, I'm like REALLY scared.  Like that time we watched Paranormal Activity scared."
Nick: "Uh huh."
Me: (beginning to get frustrated that he isn't understand the depth of what I'm saying) "Because you know...it's like a huge needle, and apparently I'm going to be all lumpy and bruised and possibly paralyzed and you're going to have to drive me to work and carry me around the house and bring me ice cream on demand." (the last part I just threw in figuring it couldn't hurt to have him prepared)
Nick: "I'm hungry."
Me: $%#@! (At this point, I am about to Officially Lose My Shit, which is the point in an argument where I stop making logical sense and just start making sounds akin to a Howler Monkey) (EXCEPT...my stomach started rumbling at the mention of breakfast, so in this situation - love of breakfast > fear of large needles.)

And so we went here for brunch and then here to buy some fresh fruit and vegetables and then here for the most wonderful macarons.   And I felt better.  Oh, and Nick said some nice stuff about how it was all going to be worth it, and I was such a trooper and blah di blah...logic is so infuriating sometimes.

Shots on the house...

Yesterday was D-day...started my Lupron injections (lupron is the drug that suppresses ovulation).  I actually got a little over-eager and practically stumbled over myself from the car into the house.  I was simultaneously excited and nervous, although that quickly turned to 100% nervous.

Nick helped me read the directions and prep...thank goodness he was there.  Even though I did just fine in the doctor's office, I froze when I actually had to stick myself.  I just stood there pinching some skin around my belly button with the needle poised to strike.  I closed my eyes, tried to jab myself and FAILED.  I chickened out at the last minute and succeeded only in sticking myself, but not injecting the medicine.  D'oh.  Nick appeared to be stifling laughter and I shot him a murderous glance. 

Finally, I put my big girl panties on (I hate that saying normally, but it is appropriate in this situation) and just did the darn thing.  It stung more than I thought it would, but I guess it wasn't TOO bad and apparently, it will get better.

Here's a fairly unflattering photo of me right before the shot.  Please excuse rumpled clothes, messy hair and vaguely terrified expression on my face.

In order to better handle this whole shots thing, I commissioned a piece of artwork courtesy of my dear friend Vince and his mad MS Paint skillz.  I've decided if I envision a friendly cartoon needle (I'm embracing my inner five year old), perhaps things won't be so bad.  Meet Nate, the friendliest needle this side of the Missisippi.  And a Royals fan, too!

Who could be afraid of this guy? :)

And finally, apropos of nothing, really...a photo of me on Sunday morning as Nick was working on the ribs.  In my defense, I got up at 6am with him and half-assedly doused lovingly sprinkled each rack of ribs with the secret rub mixture. (Hee! Spell check just told me that I spelled half-assedly wrong!)

Special Delivery!

When I got home from work today, I thought I would make myself a snack.  Imagine my surprise when I saw this....

What's that nestled next to the romaine, beets and eggs?

That, my friends, is a lot of money's worth of fertility meds and FREE needles!

Is it weird to pose your IVF medications for pictures?!  I don't care.

You know you're an IVF nerd when you are ridiculously excited to get a box full of medications and needles in the mail (in my defense, though, I LOVE getting packages in the mail so this pretty much an extension of that phenomenon).  Nick actually beat me home and put everything in the fridge, although it doesn't all have to stay there.  He was just being extra conscientious. :)   He's actually going to help me figure out everything this weekend, but for now I'm just going to marvel at the sheer number of needles I'm apparently going to be using.

Free needles!

So far, the theme of this blog is needles...here's today's needle update.  I placed the order and paid for all of our injections this morning.  Below is a transcript of the conversation.

Pharmacy:  "Okay, that will be 42 kabillion dollars."
Me: :::faints:::
Pharmacy: "How would you like to pay?"
I give them the payment information.
Pharmacy: "Oh, wait it's actually only 39 kabillion dollars because your needles are free!"
Me: "Yay?! I guess?"