Day 3 updates

Hopefully you subscribe to the 'no news is good news' philosophy since I skipped yesterday's update.  I had a crazy day at work and then got home and crashed.  We did get news yesterday that the nine embryos were all still continuing to grow.

This morning, we got more details about our nine, which is as follows:
-3 9-cell embryos
-5 8-cell embryos
-1 4-cell embryo (this is the only embryo not really in play anymore)

They want to see about four 8-cell embryos on this day so we are in good shape.  Last cycle on this same day, we had:
-10 8-cell embryos
-6 6-cell embryos
-2 4-cell embryos
-2 2-cell embryos

So last cycle, we had 10 out of 20 embryos in play, whereas this cycle we have 8 out of 9...I think that points to overall improved embryo quality. 

In other news...I saw another amazing rainbow today...like, probably the most amazing rainbow I've ever seen.  Each of our previous three cycles, we've looked for 'signs' - the paw print from Carl, the fortune cookies, a transfer on my birthday.  I promised myself that I WOULD NOT DO THAT THIS CYCLE.  But, I guess I am forever an optimist and I can't help but see these things as good luck.  :)

Finally, I have been reading Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson and oh, friends - my sides...they are splitting.   Lawson's book is a memoir of her childhood growing up in rural Texas with a less-than-traditional family including her taxidermist father (that's a father that is a taxidermist...not a father that has BEEN taxidermied...just to be clear).  I was reading parts of it aloud to Nick (against his will...but he was folding laundry and kind of a captive audience) and I could barely get through some of it, I was laughing so hard.   It's completely irreverent and managed to keep me from focusing on the stress of IVF for a few hours, so that certainly says something.

My transfer has been schedule for 7:30 am on Friday so send some good thoughts our way then.  XOXO

A Day in Pictures

Some scenes from today...

Post procedure snuggling with Ernie...

Rainbow we saw right before walking into the doctor's office...

More gratuitous Ernie pics...

Also, we had a call from the embryologist...they were able to fertilize 15 of our 17 eggs so that's great news!  Hoping for continued good news each day!

All done!

Just got home from the egg retrieval...it went very well.  They were able to get 17 eggs which is exactly within the range we were hoping for.  The doctor said that even though it took longer he's much happier with the results of this cycle so far.  So now we wait for our daily embryo reports.

In the meantime, within arms reach - I have several bottles of water, a small breakfast from Panera (egg souffle!), my Nook, my laptop, my cell phone, and the TV remote.  Oh, and my pain meds and Tylenol.  I'm going to try and avoid taking any more of the pain meds because they make me feel sick but we'll see how it goes.  They did give me some Zofran this time for the nausea that I typically get after anaesthesia so that was nice.

And it wouldn't be a blog entry from me if there wasn't some vein-related issue.  Today, it took a nurse and two anaesthesiologists to get my IV in.  They seemed a little dumb-founded but I assured them it was me, not them. :)

Nurse Nick is telling me I need to sleep, so off I go!  XOXO

The One Where Nick and Sarah Catch a Break

Well, it took nearly a week longer than expected, but my follicles finally got to where they needed to be.  We had plenty of growth over the last four days (we had an 18mm, 17mm, and some 16mms, 15mms and 14mms) so we are on for a retrieval on Sunday.  My biggest concern was that I was going to be borderline and we'd be forced to make a decision.  I know we would have been conservative and cancelled the cycle, but still - being forced to make that decision isn't easy.  I was SO excited to see all the big follicles on the ultrasound; the doctor and I both knew immediately when he looked at the first ovary that things looked good.  I was exactly where he had hoped I would be and he estimates that I'll end up with 15-20 eggs from the retrieval...much better than the 35 I had last time. 

Although, even with as great as things looked, I did put on my best 'mean Sarah' face and quiz the doctor about whether he was absolutely 100% sure that we should go on with the cycle.   The doctor seemed nonplussed and assured me that we were in good shape.  Of course, I was doing this from the stirrups so perhaps my meanness didn't really come across as well as I intended. 

I was so delighted I didn't even mind when a new nurse decided to try and take my blood.  I sat there chattering happily until I noticed the needle was in my arm and nothing was coming out.  Sarah's Pathetic Veins Strike Again!  I told her to go get the 'good nurse' (I didn't call her that - I used her name)...this nurse has gotten me on the first try three times in a row and now I pretty much only want her to take the blood.  As predicted, she got it on the first try and I went on my merry way.  I still have to get the blood results back but there's no reason to think those will change the plans at this point.

Hooo---rrr----aaa---yyyy!!! (spell check just went crazy on this!)

Miscellany

• Just wanted to take a moment to brag on Nicholas.  He has been so amazing throughout this entire process but particularly during our most recent struggles.  I've been offered daily foot massages (he's been doing Internet research on how to relieve headaches with foot massages!), lots of extra help around the house and just general pampering and kindness.  He's also put up with a few irrational outbursts from me (i.e. yesterday when I was on the phone with him re: my car's check engine light being on which culminated in me screeching 'I just need it to be fixxxeeeeeedddddd!') without complaint or judgement. 
• Although to be fair, I have spent the last year being poked and prodded so that we may have a child together.  Daily foot massages seem about right.
• Someone asked me what else we did with the in-laws this past weekend, so briefly - Boulevard Brewery Tour (this is my favorite brewery tour EVER as their emphasis was on the sampling and not the touring), WWI museum, dinner at Jack Stack and drinks at Manifesto.  If you are in KC and haven't gone to Manifesto, you must.  It's a speakeasy in the basement of the Hotel Rieger restaurant and so much fun.  You have to text a phone number to get reservations and then you can enter by being buzzed in through an alley door (although we cheated and walked through the restaurant).  The drinks are truly amazing.  I had a 'Winter in Buenos Aires' which was both tropical and reminiscent of fall. 
• We also had this brunch lasagna on Easter Sunday.  I know - brunch lasagna?  I hadn't heard of it either but I was so intrigued that I just had to make it.  Unfortunately, I hadn't read the directions very closely and nearly missed the part about it needing to be made the NIGHT BEFORE you plan to eat it.  Luckily, my mother in law, Rose, and sister in law, Becky stepped in and helped me put it together...there were like a bazillion steps.  And pretty much the only breakfast food not represented was bacon.  Although I suppose you could add that if so inclined. :)  At any rate, it was divine.  I am still dreaming of it.
• Nick and I were so sad to see his family go, BUT we will be seeing them, as well as his younger brother and his wife, Dan and Lus, my mom and dad and my aunt and uncle ,in just about a month when we head to Memphis for the Memphis in May BBQ competition.  More to come on that later...
• I looked up my estradiol/follicle levels from my first cycle and I was at Day 12 where I was at Day 5 at our cycle in St. Louis with Silber.  You could take that as depressing, I suppose, but right after that Day 5 in St. Louis, my follicle growth sort of exploded so I'm hoping the same will happen again.  My doctor is calling this past Friday my 'new' Day 1 since the first week didn't count.  (not that I'm bitter or anything).
• On the agenda for tonight - forced relaxation!  I am trying really, really hard not to fuss around the house and just be quiet and still and breathe and focus on being zen and blah blah blah.  I read somewhere this weekend that stress is the enemy of follicle growth and so now, I'm going for the GOLD STAR OF RELAXATION.  Pretty much the best goal ever.

Quick update

Hello, all!

Just a quick note to say that the nurse called with my estradiol numbers yesterday and they have climbed up to 200, which is a good sign.  We still have a long way to go in the next few days but they are moving in the right direction.  And, I'm feeling more and more uncomfortable in my stomach and couldn't be more delighted.  Hopefully that means the follicles are growing.

Again, thanks for all your good thoughts, messages and phone calls!

XO

Chanelling Goldilocks

I had another follicle check and bloodwork this morning.  The news is...fair to middlin'.  Of the 12-15 follicles I have on each ovary, only about 4-5 total (both ovaries) grew beyond 10mm.  They ranged from 11mm-14mm.  The doctor was hoping to see a lot of 15-16mm follicles.   So, the new plan is potentially an increased dose of the stims (again...this will the third time we've increased) and my retrieval has been pushed back (again) to either Saturday or Sunday at the earliest.  I will go back for another follicle check and bloodwork on Thursday.  If the doctor sees good growth at that point, we will continue on with the cycle.  If they are still not growing, we'll cancel the cycle.   I am as okay as I can be with the idea of cancelling the cycle.  On the one hand, it is such a psychological blow.  It's just more waiting and being anxious.   And it just takes so much mental, spiritual and physical energy.   However, I also don't want to proceed with a cycle that isn't set up for success.  So, if the cycle gets cancelled, we'll just have to pay for the meds and ultrasounds/bloodwork we've had to this point again.  Which is annoying, but again - the important thing is that the cycle is successful, so we will put up with whatever we have to in order for it to happen. 

I still am a little bewildered that where I have responded TOO MUCH in prior cycles, I'm now not responding enough.  I feel like Goldilocks...I need to find the 'just right' dose of stims.  Thanks for all the good thoughts!  Here's hoping I start feeling really, really uncomfortable in the next couple of days...it will be a good sign. :)

There's no crying (or winning) in IVF

Does anyone remember that song by Soul Asylum - "Frustrated, Incorporated"?  Yeah, that is kind of where I am at right now.  I had my follicle check yesterday morning and my follicles had barely grown.  Grrr.  This new protocol has me on a lower dose of stims since I've over stimulated previously...I had, like, the Jackie Joyner Kersee of ovaries...sprinting to the finish.  This time, they are poking along like...well, me, if I had to run against Jackie Joyner Kersee.  Adding to my stress, my estradiol levels dropped which the nurse and doctor told me can happen when I added in the ganirelix but it  is still a psychological blow.  

What does all of this mean?  My retrieval is being pushed back from either Tuesday/Wednesday to Thursday/Friday.  In addition, my RE is increasing the dosage of my stims.   I had to order more medications in order to make it that long.   So more days of being uncomfortable and anxious.  And re-arranging my work schedule.  That part actually stresses me out quite a bit...it's hard to call volunteers and say, 'uh, I need to reschedule our meeting because I have slow ovaries'.  Hooray!  

In 'let's focus on the positive' news, my RE did say that on this protocol the danger of over stimulating is almost non-existent which for me means that they can continue to stim me as long as needed to get where I need to be.  It's not a sprint, it's a marathon, blah blah blah.   I just need these damn follicles to grow. 

Nick has been very supportive and encouraging.  We are both scared and anxious but hoping for the best.  Luckily, we had a lot of distraction yesterday.  His parents and brother and sister-in-law are all visiting us for Easter.  Yesterday, we checked out the Titanic exhibit at Union Station (you'll be pleased to know that I refrained from forcing any of my in-laws to re-create Jack and Rose's 'I'm on top of the world' scene on the front of the ship) and then had an amazing lunch at Gram and Dun.  I have been eating really well lately in an attempt to reduce some of my bloating and discomfort.  That sort of went out the window yesterday but I figured I had earned it.   My sister-in-law Becky and I shared the beer can chicken sandwich  and chicken and waffles.  Yum.  Then we all sort of carb crashed and headed home for a nap.  We stayed in last night and made dinner.  Nick did a stuffed pork loin and salmon on the grill and I made some roasted potatoes and our favorite spinach salad.  My parents joined us and my mom brought an amazing tiramisu that I'm currently trying to pretend isn't in the refrigerator and wouldn't make a great breakfast.

Lots of fun stuff today planned so I'm off!  Please send some good thoughts our way! XO

Anxiety can be excellent motivation

I've had a lot of nervous energy the last few weeks...a lot.  Sure, I've been doing all of the things I'm supposed to - deep breathing, acupuncture, meditating, etc etc etc.  I even found my way to an infertility therapist and she's been helping with some additional relaxation techniques (sidenote: she told me I was surprisingly well-adjusted and self-aware for someone who has been trying to get pregnant for so long...even in therapy, I get a gold star!).

The upside of all this nervous energy is that I've been fairly productive at work and home.  Mostly the latter, though.  I've cleaned closets and drawers, re-arranged shelves, hung artwork, taken FIVE boxes of books to the Goodwill, hung curtains, and just generally puttered and fussed around the house.  In fairness, part of this is because of a couple of events I'm hosting at the house, but it has certainly helped keep my mind occupied.  

In fact, as I type this, I'm taking a break from cleaning the linen closet.  And...I just ironed pillowcases, which I almost never do.  But Nick's family is coming to visit this weekend and I was getting one of the spare beds ready, I noticed the pillowcase was pretty wrinkly, so I started to iron it.  Fast forward 45 minutes later and I had ironed ALL the pillowcases in the house.   Haberbergers - I hope you enjoy your pillowcases.  :)  We've got a lot of fun stuff planned this weekend, so I'm looking forward to it...and the distraction.

Oh, I suppose you want an IVF update, too.  Not a lot new.  I'm still uncomfortable, although it seems to be much worse at night.  I actually got up around 3am and couldn't go back to sleep.  It's much better during the day.  Last night I added an additional injection called ganirelex.  It's the drug that prevents premature ovulation to ensure all my follicles can continue to grow.  It is my favorite injection to this point as it comes in a pre-filled syringe and involves almost no work on my part.  Tomorrow morning I go for another follicle check and blood draw to see where my hormones are at.  Fingers crossed all goes well!

Postscript

So, the nurse just called and said my Estradiol (estrogen) looked a little lower than they like.  Each follicle creates a certain amount of estrogen, so if that number is low than it can mean my follicles aren't developing like they should.  They are going to increase my stims slightly to see if that helps.  So, now basically I've gone from worrying about over-stimulating to under-stimulating.  I can't win!  (when I just typed 'win', I accidentally typed an 'e' at the end...to which I thought...yes, please.)  In other sad first world problem news, I think I'm too uncomfortable for the massage I had scheduled tonight.  I know, wah wah wah. 

Follicle Check #1

I had my first follicle check this morning.  I was a little nervous because yesterday I started feeling bloated and uncomfortable already...which seemed a lot earlier than I have in past cycles.  However, everything looks good - about a dozen follicles on each ovary, but the good news is that they are all about the same size.  Previously, I've had a couple of follicles get a little diva on me and grow far quicker than the others.  We want them to all grow steadily, so that's great news. 

The doctor didn't really have an answer for why I am already feeling uncomfortable other than to say he thinks I've just been lucky in the past that it took awhile for me to get to this point.  Great.   However, the best news is that the nurse got my vial of blood on the first try.  Hooray! 

Revenge of the Pincushion

I've been a little....grumpy this week.  A couple of factors are to blame - lack of sleep (allergies - argh!), lots going on at work, and vacation hangover.   It's important to note that I am not one prone to hysterics, public fits of crying, or snapping at medical professionals.   I consider myself a fairly well-adjusted person who, having worked in various fields of customer service, goes out of my way to be polite to anyone in that field.   All this by way of saying - I think I may have scared my nurses at the clinic this week.

I think I've explain my blood draw woes here before.  But for those of you who don't remember...I have the saddest little veins you ever did see.  Because I'm sadistic, I counted up how many times I've had my blood drawn in a year - 26.  Twenty-six!  I would say once out of every four times, they are able to get a vial on the first try and without blowing a vein.  Frankly, I'm surprised no one I work with thinks I have a drug problem based on the near constant bruising on my arms and hands.

I am 99% certain that the nurses at the clinic draw straws to see who gets to deal with me.  Below is a re-cap of my most recent experience.

Nurse: Okay, Sarah - did you drink a lot of water before you came in?  Remember, that helps!
Me: Yep!  (Gold star for me!  Also, I am going to float away in my attempt to get an A in water-drinking)
Nurse:  Let me take a look at your veins.
Me: The right elbow is useless; there's one you can get on the left side but it's sort of hidden. 
Nurse: :::Pokes my left arm repeatedly::: Hmmm....it's really hiding, isn't it?
Me: :::Nervous laughter:::
Nurse: Okay, I think I found it.  I think.
Me:  :::Panic rising:::  You know what?  Why don't we just take it from my hand?  Really, it's okay. 
Nurse: No, I think I've got it.
Me:  (thinking to self - don't be a hero, nurse!  Take it out of my hand!) Okay! (trying to be cheerful and optimistic) You can do this! (I've taken to giving my nurses pep talks)
Nurse:  Alright, here we go... (dig, dig, dig)...I think I see it...(dig, dig, dig)
Me: :::Trying not to faint:::
Nurse: Oh, dear.  That didn't work.
Me: ::::tries not to scream I told you so!:::  Well, guess we should go with the hand.  Here's the vein on the hand that works the best.
Nurse: Nope, I don't like the looks of that one.  I am going to try and get this one to work.  :::Points to sad looking vein:::
Me: Um, are you sure?  
Nurse:  Of course!  I've been doing this for years.  Trust me.
Me: Um, okay.
Nurse: Here we go again!  Okay, I'm in.  See -  I told you!
Me:  Yay?
Nurse: Oh, dear.
Me: What?
Nurse: Your veins aren't cooperating; the vial isn't getting filled all the way.
Me: :::screaming in head:::
Nurse:  I'm going to call in Other Nurse and see what she thinks.  Maybe this is enough for the test.  (Ed.note - almost all of my blood draws involve calling in Other Nurse for back-up and consultation.  It typically ends with both of them clucking in dismay over the sad state of my veins, which I KNOW.)
Me: Why don't we go ahead and try the other hand?  I've got a really great vein on that one.  :::Points to awesome vein and wiggle my hand in an attempt to attract their attention:::
Other Nurse: This is not enough blood.
Nurse: Well, let's check.  ::::clearly has given up and wants to be done with me:::: (to me) You can wait, right?
Me: Um, okay.
Other Nurse:  Hey, are you the person that Other Other Nurse did a blood draw on and she blew your vein really bad?
Me: That would be me. (infamy!)
Other Nurse:  Wow - she was so scared after that, she couldn't draw blood for a week!
Me:  I am not sure what I am supposed to say to that.
15 minutes later
Nurse: This is not enough blood.
Me: :::on verge of breakdown, but trying not to lose it::: Okay, let's do this!
Nurse:  Other Nurse, why don't you try this time? (Nurse has clearly lost her blood draw mojo)
Other Nurse: Okay, I choose this sad looking vein on your other hand.
Me:  Not this really good vein that works every time?
Other Nurse:  No, I like this one.
Me:  ::::screams in head::::
Other Nurse: Okay, here we go.   Oops, I blew that vein.

I'll end the dialogue here because at that point, I had been there for 45 minutes, was late for work, and just started crying.  Which I never do in public, which is fairly indicative of just how frustrated I was.   And while I am poking (ha!) fun at the nurses here, I really do love all of them and they've been very good to me...I think they're all scared of my veins and I'm scared of the draw and none of that makes anything go any smoother.

On this particular day, the draw culminated in my tearful claim to the nurses that "I...(sniff, sniff) told you (sniff, sniff) so....."  I think they took pity on me and decided that there was enough drawn to get the tests done.  Which there must have been because later they called and said my levels (estradiol aka estrogen and FSH) were fine.

In other news,

• (Okay, I promise this is the last needle reference!)  Stims started yesterday.  It's interesting to see how laissez-faire I've become to the injections.  When I first started doing them, we had calendars and reminders and alarms and this time, it was like 'oh, hey - I've got to go stick myself.  Be right back'.  Except I'm on a new follicle stimulating drug called Bravelle.  It's far more complicated to prepare (lots of vials and powders and such).  I ended up calling Uncle and had Nick come help me.  He's good at this type of stuff.  At any rate, follicles are officially being stimulated!  Huzzah!
• Last night, we went and saw Hunger Games. (Finally!  I was so sad to miss out on going to the midnight release with a group of girlfriends last week)  It's so rare that I like a movie as much as the books but in this case, I do.  Nick made me dig up the second and third books in the series when I got home so he could find out what happens next. :)

Alright, my friends.  I'm off.  My momma will be here soon.  We are co-hosting a brunch bridal shower tomorrow and we have a date with some quiche. :)

Proof I Haven't Lost My Sense of Humor

Not really sure that I have enough going on in my world to warrant a full post, so instead - you're getting a post full of random thoughts.  It's like a peek inside my brain.  Be scared.

• a friend recently dubbed my 'support group' the YaYa Sisterhood of TTC (trying to conceive) Friends...she needed a fertility drug question answered and came to the infertility mecca - me and my infertile friends.   I have laughed (out loud, no less) about this repeatedly.  Mostly because when the book and subsequent (horrible) movie came out, Nick would just yell out "Yaaaa-Yaaaa!" at random intervals.  Sort of like he had a tick or something. 
• she also dubbed me the Obi Wan of IVF.  I'm not much of a Star Wars buff - do I get a light saber?
• It's only in the last couple of months that I have found a lot of infertility humor on the Internet.  I know - infertility doesn't seem that funny, right?  Wrong!  Turns out it is EXCELLENT comedic fodder.  This will probably not be funny to you fertiles out there, but trust me...it, as well as this totally kills with the infertile crowd.
• I make it a practice not to discuss work on here (because you know, I value my job), but without getting into all the details, work has just been unbearably bad the last couple of weeks.  HR issues that I never imagined myself having to deal with fell into my lap and I've been navigating murky waters ever since.  The issues have stressed me out, caused me to lose sleep and just generally give me a headache.  Fortunately, there is an end in sight.  One of my favorite bloggers use to be in HR.  She recently posted an excerpt from her soon to be released memoirs and this post made me laugh so hard I snorted my lunch out of my nose.  Gross, I know, but true. 
• I'm guessing you probably want to know what's going on with our IVF cycle, too.  Geez, you people are so nosy.   All of our paperwork is complete and my medicines were delivered to the office this week.  I start the stims on March 30th and the retrieval is schedule for either April 10th or 11th with the transfer to occur five days after that.
• I was commenting to someone the other day (probably a Ya-Ya) that my excitement for each cycle has proceeded sort of along these lines.
• Cycle 1: YAY! I am so excited to be doing IVF! Look - needles! I'm going to have me a babbbbbyyyyyy!
• Cycle 2: I am still very excited to be doing this.  It is going to work I just know it!
• Cycle 3: I am cautiously optimistic.  With no exclamation points.
• Cycle 4: Again?  Really?!
• In more exciting news, Nick and I are off to Boston this weekend to visit friends.  We both really, really need a break.

IVF: Part 4 - first update!

Today, we (well, I...Nick had a meeting he couldn't get out of) had an appointment with our doctor to go over the cycle in more detail and talk about next steps.  He still believes IVF with our own eggs/sperm is the best option for us so we are in the process of scheduling a cycle for April.  I asked a lot of questions, mainly about how our protocol will be changed to lessen the risk of hyperstimulation.

For our next cycle, I will be on a different drug to stimulate the ovaries and instead of using a mega dose of HCG as the trigger to send the message to the eggs right before retrieval, I will instead get a big dose of Lupron (which is the drug we've used to suppress the ovaries in previous cycles - I don't exactly understand how something that in one use can suppress ovulation and then in antother use, stimulate - but whatever.  I trust the doc.). 

This protocol is designed for patients with a history of hyperstimulation.  As you might remember, despite being on a lower dose of the stims in our October cycle, I actually hyperstimulated more and produced more eggs than is typical.  This protocol will hopefully 1) produce a more manageable quantity and higher quality of eggs and 2) keep me from being in such pain/discomfort subsequent to the retrieval. 

I went over that last point in great detail with our doctor because even though no doctor will say it, I cannot believe that being that miserable and in pain helps our chances of success.  If I was a little embryo, I doubt I would want to implant into such an angry uterus. :)  It's like there was a big red warning on my lady parts scaring off the embryos.   Geez, maybe I've gotten a little too comfortable talking about this stuff with you all; that can't be an attractive visual image.  Oh, well. 

He assured me that I should be much more comfortable in this cycle.  He said that when he's done the protocol in the past, the ovaries 'get quiet' (that's the term they use for when the ovaries aren't producing a ton of eggs) much more quickly after the retrieval and virtually go back to normal within weeks.  (It was two months after the last cycle before my ovaries 'quieted'.

Overall, I left the appointment feeling very positive about our chances and while maybe not EXCITED exactly...anxious to get started again.  I'm still pretty bummed about our recent failed cycle but I'm okay with that.  I think I just realized it is okay to feel sad when something like that happens.  But you all probably all knew that already.  :)

XO

Hope, Heartbreak - Rinse and Repeat

As some of you by now know (and for those of you finding out by reading this, I apologize but it's easier than emailing/calling everyone), Nick and I just had another failed IVF cycle.  When the last cycle in October didn't work, we started talking about scheduling the frozen transfer 'secretly'...mostly because we just loved, loved, loved the idea of being able to surprise everyone like a 'normal' pregnancy.  We knew we wanted to give my poor body a break for a few months; with that information, our nurse suggested a plan that had the transfer scheduled for February 6th, aka my birthday, aka Most Important day of the year.  Those of you who know me well know that my birthday, well - it's kind of a big deal.  When the nurse mentioned that date as a option, my heart skipped a beat and I just knew, knew that doing a transfer on my birthday would be good luck.  How could it not be?

The frozen transfer is an immensely easier process than a fresh cycle and transfer, mainly because they are not stimulating my body to produce a lot of eggs; there's no retrieval.  All I had to do was take a couple of hormones for a few weeks and then show up for the transfer.  As you'll recall, we had three embryos left after our last cycle...we thawed all three and all made it through the thaw.  Because the chances of success are lower on a frozen transfer, our doctor advised transferring all three.  Because the chance of triplets was less than 5%, we decided to transfer all three.

It was one of the best birthdays I've ever had...truly.  Nick and I were giddy with excitement because again, we just knew this had worked.  Third time's the charm, three is a magic number, transferring on my birthday - all 'signs' this would be it.  And so we went throughout our week, nervously anticipating the bloodwork that would confirm what we thought would be true.

Several days before the blood test was scheduled, my willpower broke and I started testing using home pregnancy tests.  I got a positive two days in a row which coincided with too many distinctly pregnant symptoms (nausea, thirst, sensitivity to smells, etc.)...Nick had no idea was testing.  I was cautiously optimistic.  On Valentine's Day, I just couldn't let go of the idea of being able to tell Nick we were pregnant, so I decided to take a digital test at work.  It came back negative...I chalked it up to my having had too much water and the digital tests being less sensitive (which they are) but dread started building in my stomach.

The night of Valentine's Day...I took another test...another negative.  I had felt no symptoms that day.  The awful feeling continued to build.  On the day of the blood test, I woke at about 3:45 am and took another test...another negative.  Sinkingly, I realized I was not pregnant.  I was anxious and crabby all morning while Nick left for work; he had no idea this was going on and was still positive about the situation.  I didn't want to burst his bubble until I knew for sure. 

The blood draw at the clinic was excruciating...the nurse once again struggled to find a suitable vein and I eventually just told her to take it out of my hand (which really, really sucks) because I just wanted to get out of there.  I then waited for two hours for the call.  As soon as I heard the nurse's voice, I knew the test had been negative.  There's a certain distance in someone's voice when they are giving you this kind of bad news; unfortunately, I've gotten pretty good at 'hearing' that distance.

I'm not going to lie - it was an ugly, ugly day...made worse by the fact that I had promised Nick I wouldn't give him the results either way until he got home from work.  I had to wait seven hours to do so...at that point, he pretty much knew, but I think he was still holding out hope.  I didn't have to say anything when he came in...he knew.  I just said "I'm sorry."

I'll be honest - this time, it's just so much worse.  It's been heartbreaking every time, but we were mostly just sad before.  This time, the sadness has a hard crust of anger surrounding it.  And bitterness.  I realize there are much worse issues to have in life and we both realize how much we have to be grateful for (we made a list), but going through this is like mourning the death of a dream of a family every time it happens.  Only most people don't understand because they haven't been through it.   Infertility is a peculiarly secretive topic...I wish people would be more open about it.  That's part of the reason for this blog...it has an admittedly small audience of our family and friends but I hope that by being open about our struggle it helps others to understand.

Which brings me to thanking all of you.  Those that we have told already have just been...well, great.  I have felt such love and compassion from so many people.  One of the blessings Nick and I count is the support of our friends and family.  And there are a couple of you out there that I allowed to see the good, bad and ugly of this secret/surprise cycle - and I will forever be grateful to you, in particular, for that.

IVF should work for us.  All three of the doctors we've seen have told us that.  I asked our current doctor if he ever has to tell people that IVF probably isn't a feasible option for them and he said absolutely.  If that were the case for us, we'd move on - whatever that would mean for us.  But people with our set of particular issues get pregnant via IVF all the time...and not with great difficulty.   We're just some of the unfortunate outliers that it is taking longer to work for. Although at some point the law of averages has got to be in our favor.

I also know that perhaps some of you are thinking why don't they consider adoption?  Why spend all this money when there are so many children in the world who need good homes?  I know you might be judging me just a little bit.  It's okay.  My response to that would be...why aren't YOU considering adoption? And why does a medical condition that is treatable mean that we should give up the dream of a child that is biologically ours? 

That's not to say adoption isn't something we've considered...believe me, we've talked about it.  And frankly, depending on how things work out - it's something we'll give serious consideration to when we want to expand our family.  I believe adoption is a wonderful, wonderful avenue for creating a family, but I also don't think it's something you take lightly...or that you decide on because you've run out of other alternatives.  I know from people in my life that have adopted that it is just of a painful and complicated process as IVF.  When we make that decision, it will be because it's right for us and we're ready to commit fully to the process.

Until then, this is the path we've chosen - chosen out of hope.  We know that this part of a larger plan and that perhaps some day it will make sense (frankly, I'd be lying if I said I understood it now).  In the meantime, we continue to count our blessings, chief of which is the amazing strength and resilience of our relationship which has truly grown in the last year in ways I thought weren't possible. 

So, this time, we'll invite you along for the ride again...woo!  Get excited!  Needles, Ultrasounds and Embryos, oh my!  You'll be a part of every thrilling minute of IVF: Part 4.  On a positive note, it was next to impossible for me to write on the blog the last couple of months because I am so terrible at secret-keeping.  I feared every post would go something like this.

For my birthday, Nick and I went out to dinner (and transferred some embryos!) and then had cupcakes (we're gonna have a baby!) and we went ice skating with friends (IVF! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

So, get excited for more blog posts, too.   :)  

This one is hitting me harder...I think because I didn't allow myself to feel sad after the first and second time - it was just full steam ahead (and a lot of misguided Pinteresting and crafting).  I feel like I'm suffering from the cumulative effects of an entire year of disappointment and frustration.  However, it's nothing that a lot of snuggling kitties, watching Downton Abbey (seriously - I. Am. Obsessed), reading and the attention of a devoted husband haven't been able to help with this weekend. 

That said, hope springs eternal.  I just looked up the potential due date if we are successful with our April cycle.  New Year's Eve.  I've always hated that holiday...maybe that will change this year?  

XOXO