IVF: Part 4 - first update!

Today, we (well, I...Nick had a meeting he couldn't get out of) had an appointment with our doctor to go over the cycle in more detail and talk about next steps.  He still believes IVF with our own eggs/sperm is the best option for us so we are in the process of scheduling a cycle for April.  I asked a lot of questions, mainly about how our protocol will be changed to lessen the risk of hyperstimulation.

For our next cycle, I will be on a different drug to stimulate the ovaries and instead of using a mega dose of HCG as the trigger to send the message to the eggs right before retrieval, I will instead get a big dose of Lupron (which is the drug we've used to suppress the ovaries in previous cycles - I don't exactly understand how something that in one use can suppress ovulation and then in antother use, stimulate - but whatever.  I trust the doc.). 

This protocol is designed for patients with a history of hyperstimulation.  As you might remember, despite being on a lower dose of the stims in our October cycle, I actually hyperstimulated more and produced more eggs than is typical.  This protocol will hopefully 1) produce a more manageable quantity and higher quality of eggs and 2) keep me from being in such pain/discomfort subsequent to the retrieval. 

I went over that last point in great detail with our doctor because even though no doctor will say it, I cannot believe that being that miserable and in pain helps our chances of success.  If I was a little embryo, I doubt I would want to implant into such an angry uterus. :)  It's like there was a big red warning on my lady parts scaring off the embryos.   Geez, maybe I've gotten a little too comfortable talking about this stuff with you all; that can't be an attractive visual image.  Oh, well. 

He assured me that I should be much more comfortable in this cycle.  He said that when he's done the protocol in the past, the ovaries 'get quiet' (that's the term they use for when the ovaries aren't producing a ton of eggs) much more quickly after the retrieval and virtually go back to normal within weeks.  (It was two months after the last cycle before my ovaries 'quieted'.

Overall, I left the appointment feeling very positive about our chances and while maybe not EXCITED exactly...anxious to get started again.  I'm still pretty bummed about our recent failed cycle but I'm okay with that.  I think I just realized it is okay to feel sad when something like that happens.  But you all probably all knew that already.  :)

XO

ugh...

Please excuse all the typos, weird formatting and the fact that I wrote IVF shouldn't work for us when I should have said SHOULD. IVF SHOULD work for us.  Geez.  But it's late and I'm tired and cranky and I don't feel like trying to smack Blogger into submission right now, so just cut me some slack, okay?  :)

Hope, Heartbreak - Rinse and Repeat

As some of you by now know (and for those of you finding out by reading this, I apologize but it's easier than emailing/calling everyone), Nick and I just had another failed IVF cycle.  When the last cycle in October didn't work, we started talking about scheduling the frozen transfer 'secretly'...mostly because we just loved, loved, loved the idea of being able to surprise everyone like a 'normal' pregnancy.  We knew we wanted to give my poor body a break for a few months; with that information, our nurse suggested a plan that had the transfer scheduled for February 6th, aka my birthday, aka Most Important day of the year.  Those of you who know me well know that my birthday, well - it's kind of a big deal.  When the nurse mentioned that date as a option, my heart skipped a beat and I just knew, knew that doing a transfer on my birthday would be good luck.  How could it not be?

The frozen transfer is an immensely easier process than a fresh cycle and transfer, mainly because they are not stimulating my body to produce a lot of eggs; there's no retrieval.  All I had to do was take a couple of hormones for a few weeks and then show up for the transfer.  As you'll recall, we had three embryos left after our last cycle...we thawed all three and all made it through the thaw.  Because the chances of success are lower on a frozen transfer, our doctor advised transferring all three.  Because the chance of triplets was less than 5%, we decided to transfer all three.

It was one of the best birthdays I've ever had...truly.  Nick and I were giddy with excitement because again, we just knew this had worked.  Third time's the charm, three is a magic number, transferring on my birthday - all 'signs' this would be it.  And so we went throughout our week, nervously anticipating the bloodwork that would confirm what we thought would be true.

Several days before the blood test was scheduled, my willpower broke and I started testing using home pregnancy tests.  I got a positive two days in a row which coincided with too many distinctly pregnant symptoms (nausea, thirst, sensitivity to smells, etc.)...Nick had no idea was testing.  I was cautiously optimistic.  On Valentine's Day, I just couldn't let go of the idea of being able to tell Nick we were pregnant, so I decided to take a digital test at work.  It came back negative...I chalked it up to my having had too much water and the digital tests being less sensitive (which they are) but dread started building in my stomach.

The night of Valentine's Day...I took another test...another negative.  I had felt no symptoms that day.  The awful feeling continued to build.  On the day of the blood test, I woke at about 3:45 am and took another test...another negative.  Sinkingly, I realized I was not pregnant.  I was anxious and crabby all morning while Nick left for work; he had no idea this was going on and was still positive about the situation.  I didn't want to burst his bubble until I knew for sure. 

The blood draw at the clinic was excruciating...the nurse once again struggled to find a suitable vein and I eventually just told her to take it out of my hand (which really, really sucks) because I just wanted to get out of there.  I then waited for two hours for the call.  As soon as I heard the nurse's voice, I knew the test had been negative.  There's a certain distance in someone's voice when they are giving you this kind of bad news; unfortunately, I've gotten pretty good at 'hearing' that distance.

I'm not going to lie - it was an ugly, ugly day...made worse by the fact that I had promised Nick I wouldn't give him the results either way until he got home from work.  I had to wait seven hours to do so...at that point, he pretty much knew, but I think he was still holding out hope.  I didn't have to say anything when he came in...he knew.  I just said "I'm sorry."

I'll be honest - this time, it's just so much worse.  It's been heartbreaking every time, but we were mostly just sad before.  This time, the sadness has a hard crust of anger surrounding it.  And bitterness.  I realize there are much worse issues to have in life and we both realize how much we have to be grateful for (we made a list), but going through this is like mourning the death of a dream of a family every time it happens.  Only most people don't understand because they haven't been through it.   Infertility is a peculiarly secretive topic...I wish people would be more open about it.  That's part of the reason for this blog...it has an admittedly small audience of our family and friends but I hope that by being open about our struggle it helps others to understand.

Which brings me to thanking all of you.  Those that we have told already have just been...well, great.  I have felt such love and compassion from so many people.  One of the blessings Nick and I count is the support of our friends and family.  And there are a couple of you out there that I allowed to see the good, bad and ugly of this secret/surprise cycle - and I will forever be grateful to you, in particular, for that.

IVF should work for us.  All three of the doctors we've seen have told us that.  I asked our current doctor if he ever has to tell people that IVF probably isn't a feasible option for them and he said absolutely.  If that were the case for us, we'd move on - whatever that would mean for us.  But people with our set of particular issues get pregnant via IVF all the time...and not with great difficulty.   We're just some of the unfortunate outliers that it is taking longer to work for. Although at some point the law of averages has got to be in our favor.

I also know that perhaps some of you are thinking why don't they consider adoption?  Why spend all this money when there are so many children in the world who need good homes?  I know you might be judging me just a little bit.  It's okay.  My response to that would be...why aren't YOU considering adoption? And why does a medical condition that is treatable mean that we should give up the dream of a child that is biologically ours? 

That's not to say adoption isn't something we've considered...believe me, we've talked about it.  And frankly, depending on how things work out - it's something we'll give serious consideration to when we want to expand our family.  I believe adoption is a wonderful, wonderful avenue for creating a family, but I also don't think it's something you take lightly...or that you decide on because you've run out of other alternatives.  I know from people in my life that have adopted that it is just of a painful and complicated process as IVF.  When we make that decision, it will be because it's right for us and we're ready to commit fully to the process.

Until then, this is the path we've chosen - chosen out of hope.  We know that this part of a larger plan and that perhaps some day it will make sense (frankly, I'd be lying if I said I understood it now).  In the meantime, we continue to count our blessings, chief of which is the amazing strength and resilience of our relationship which has truly grown in the last year in ways I thought weren't possible. 

So, this time, we'll invite you along for the ride again...woo!  Get excited!  Needles, Ultrasounds and Embryos, oh my!  You'll be a part of every thrilling minute of IVF: Part 4.  On a positive note, it was next to impossible for me to write on the blog the last couple of months because I am so terrible at secret-keeping.  I feared every post would go something like this.

For my birthday, Nick and I went out to dinner (and transferred some embryos!) and then had cupcakes (we're gonna have a baby!) and we went ice skating with friends (IVF! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

So, get excited for more blog posts, too.   :)  

This one is hitting me harder...I think because I didn't allow myself to feel sad after the first and second time - it was just full steam ahead (and a lot of misguided Pinteresting and crafting).  I feel like I'm suffering from the cumulative effects of an entire year of disappointment and frustration.  However, it's nothing that a lot of snuggling kitties, watching Downton Abbey (seriously - I. Am. Obsessed), reading and the attention of a devoted husband haven't been able to help with this weekend. 

That said, hope springs eternal.  I just looked up the potential due date if we are successful with our April cycle.  New Year's Eve.  I've always hated that holiday...maybe that will change this year?  

XOXO

Things My Cat Loves...Epilogue

If you follow me on Facebook, you probably caught some of the saga with Ernie last week.   However, for posterity, let's recap.

I (quite astutely) realized lately that Ernie seems a little too enthusiastic about my jewelry.  Not wanting to succumb to gender norming, I was letting him play with my earrings when I took them off...until he started trying to remove my engagement ring and wedding band from my hand.  From then on, I kept the rings in a drawer when not wearing them (mostly at night).

Last week, I was doing a little fashion show for myself as the result of post Christmas gift card purchases, when I took off my rings and earrings and sat them on the dresser.  I walked into our master bathroom for maybe 30 seconds and heard the distinctive thud of a cat hitting the dresser and then the same thud when the cat hit the ground.  I saw Ernie's tail as he went around the corner out the door but didn't think much of it. 

Until the next day when I went to put my rings on and noticed only my engagement ring was still there.  I IMMEDIATELY knew what happened and panicked.  I spent an hour and a half scouring the house, cursing Ernie and his damn extra toes the entire time.  Eventually, I had to go to work.   Tearfully, I called Nick.  He was...less than enthusiastic.

Me:  OMG!  Ernie stole my ring!
Nick: $%&$ $&#$
Me: Stop YELLING at me...sob, sob, sob....
Nick: (Backtracking at my clearly extreme state)  I will help you find it or we will get you a new wedding band. ::::gritting teeth:::::
Me:  But I don't WANT, sniff, sniff, another wedding band!  I want MY wedding band!  Sob, sob, sob....

And while it's funny now, it was true.  My wedding band has immense sentimental value.  Nick did such an amazing job creating both my engagement ring and band; the thought of not wearing the band that he put on my finger the day we got married....well, it put me over the edge.

All day I fretted over the missing ring.  Until a friend and blog reader (hi, Maggie!) pointed out on Facebook that I seemed to make a lot of references to Ernie dropping things in his water bowl in my previous blog post...had I checked there?  Um, no.

When I arrived home, I blew through the door and stomped up to the kitchen where the water bowl sits.  And there it sat.   After a thorough scrubbing and sanitizing, it is back on my finger.  And I felt guilty for all the horrible things I thought about Ernie.

What did give me some pleasure, however, was something I recently noticed about him.  This really should have made the Things Ernie Loves List but it's too funny not to share now. 

Ernie is a bit of a pyro.  By which I mean, we can no longer have candles burning in the open as he is fearless and will knock them over.  There are several areas in the master bedroom that have been splattered by wax as a result of his fascination.  A month or so ago, I was watching him stare longingly at a candle I'd just lit.    I looked away briefly and he took his opportunity to dive head first into the candle.  Luckily, I caught the candle but not before the whiskers above his eyes got singed and fell out.   They have yet to grow back.  I think it gives him character, though.  

If there were a contest for Worst Cat in the World...Ernie would be a strong contender.  

Things I'm Obsessed With Right Now

 Note: You are getting two posts in one day!  Lucky you!  I inadvertently forgot to hit post on this last week.   So, my forgetfulness is your gain. 

I bet if I did a word count on this blog, obsess would be near the top of the list.  I can't help it...I'm a planner...obsessing calms me.  So, this week, I thought I'd do a wrap-up on Things Sarah Is Currently Obsessed With.

1.) Josie Maran's Argan Oil Collection

I've been thinking for awhile now that, since I've become more aware of eating organically, shouldn't that same awareness extend to things I put on my face, .i.e. beauty products and cosmetics?  I am a total beauty junkie and there are probably some products I won't be able to give up (Bare Minerals foundation, Dior Show mascara, Nars blush), but for everything else, I thought I would slowly make the switch to organic as I run out of my current products. 

First up, my face care regimen.  All the hormone craziness of the past few years made my skin revert to its thirteen year old self which is why I've been using ProActiv for some time now.  I decided to take a massive risk and try switching to a new regimen to see what would happen.  I've heard some good reviews of Josie Maran's skincare line, so I decided to switch to the Argan Cleansing Oil, along with an Origins moisturizer. (I use the same moisturizer for my face and eyes...a dermatologist once told me that the formulas are the same; it's just a marketing scheme to get you to buy two products.)

Honestly, I thought AT BEST my skin would be the same as it was with my previous regimen and at worst, well - I'd be crawling back to ProActiv.  Surprisingly, my skin has never been clearer or felt better...and typically during the winter, I have horribly dry skin so that's saying something. It's been about six weeks now and no breakouts (although I'm sure I'm jinxing myself now).

2.) Cast Iron Skillets and Le Creuset Cookware

Again...more thinking about the chemicals I'm putting in my body.  I love my nonstick cookware for its ease of use, but there's no denying the research that shows the coating put onto these pans is not good for your body when it flakes off into the food.  And for as much as we cook/use the nonstick pans, it was time to make a switch.  I was lucky enough to recieve several cast iron pieces from my mother-in-law, Rose for Christmas, as well as a perfectly sized Le Creuset pot from my sister-in-law and brother-in-law, Becky and Tim (I'm thinking it's 3.5-4 quarts). 

The great think about cast iron is it is super inexpensive and you can get it preseasoned (which basically just means repeatedly oiled).  So far, most everything tastes better when cooked on the cast iron (now I know why everything Grandma Ruth cooked tasted so good!) and the Le Creuset pot is the perfect size.  Obviously, Le Creuset is more of an investment, but as much I've used it, a worthy investment.  I also have a very large Le Creuset dutch oven but it's quite a bit bigger and works well when I need to double a recipe or I'm roasting a chicken.   The smaller size I have now is great for daily use.

More importantly, I cook almost everything in coconut oil now which in addition to being incredibly good for you makes food taste better, I swear.  I've been putting organic chicken breasts in a cast iron grill pan with just coconut oil, kosher salt and lemon pepper and it is amazingly good.  Nick thinks I'm a genius and I don't intend to tell him differently.  I've also cooked fish, eggs and other proteins in the coconut oil with equally good results.  It has a very mild sweet taste that sort of caramelizes when using the cast iron. 

3.) Phone/Web apps - Grocery IQ and EverNote

I get 90% of my recipes from the web.  I print them off and theoretically, put them in the appropriate place in a binder.  Except, there's this...

That is the pile of recipes that I have yet to file...and frankly, it's probably not going to happen.  I've been looking for ways to go paperless in general and after reading several other bloggers' experiences in organizing their recipes, I decided to blatantly copy their methods.  Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right?

So, I'm currently in the process of converting all of my paper recipes to EverNote.  EverNote is a web-based application that also can be synchronized with your Iphone or Android.  Essentially, you create various notebooks to house 'notes'.  In my case, the 'notes' are recipes.  I have one notebook where all of my recipes are contained; EverNote also gives you the option to tag whatever notes you are making so I've tagged this recipe "lasagna soup" as both a soup and a favorite (Nick requests this at least once a week)

It's kind of a slow going process, but I'm trying to just catalog everything as I can.  What's brilliant about EverNoteEverNote and it does it for you.  It's like MAGIC.  Only like cool Houdini magic, not weird David Copperfield magic.

The other app I've switched to is Grocery IQ.  I really dislike going to the grocery store.  And I dislike it even more when I don't feel organized.  It's rare to find me in the grocery store without a list organized by aisle of the store.  However, I'm currently doing it all manually on an Excel spreadsheet, so if I forget the spreadsheet at home, I'm up a creek.  Enter Grocery IQ.  I can enter everything on my list (and choose which store I'm shopping at) either on a web application or via my phone.  Then, I open the list from my phone and check things off as I make my way through the store.  What I particularly love is that you can set up a 'favorites' list (for us - this is staples like milk, bread, bananas, cheeze-its...you know - the basics!)  and pre-populate my list for the week with favorites.

4.) Weighted Utensils
Another Christmas gift...this time from my mom - these Joseph Joseph weighted kitchen utensils.  Nick and I routinely argue over these, so you know they're good.  It solves the age-old (at least for me) problem of making a mess all over the counter by putting the spatula/spoon/whatever I'm using to cook with down.  I suppose I could get a spoon rest but I have enough stuff on my counter.  Anyway...love.

Okay, your turn.  Tell me what you're obsessing over lately so I can add it to my list.

Things My Cat Hates/Loves... A List

Warning:  Crazy Cat Person Post Ahead

Ernie The Multi Toed Wonder Cat continues to both delight and horrify.  Much like you would create a baby book for your offspring, I feel that I should catalog his current loves and dislikes in the hope (please god) that someday I will look back and say "Oh, remember how cute it was when (inset annoying thing that he does here)?"  That day has not come.

So, things Ernie loves...

It's a sign of how adorable I think Ernie is that I'm posting a crazy bedhead/no makeup picture of myself.

• Toilet Paper
• Shredding Toilet Paper
• Knocking The Toilet Paper Down From Where I've Tried to Put It Out Of His Reach
• Opening Bathroom Cabinets to Find Toilet Paper Rolls
• His Toys
• Dropping His Toys In His Water Bowl
• Dropping His Toys In His Water Bowl and  Then Fishing Them Out
• Dropping His Toys In His Water Bowl, Fishing Them Out and Dropping Them On My Face Whilst I Sleep
• Watching TV
• Meowing Angrily at the TV (Do NOT Get Him Started on the Republican Primaries.  God, could Mitt BE more out of touch with his feline constituents?)
• Hair Ties
• Opening Drawers to Find Hair Ties
• Taking Hair Ties Off of My Head At Night
• Taking Hair Ties Off of My Head and Then Dropping Them In His Water Bowl
• Taking Hair Ties Off of My Head , Dropping Them In His Water Bowl and Then Fishing Them Out
• Taking Hair Ties Off of My Head , Dropping Them In His Water Bowl, Fishing Them Out and Then Dropping Them On My Face Whilst I Sleep
• Running Laps In The House
• Running Laps In The House In The Middle of The Night that Culminate In A Giant Leap On Your Head
• Taking Naps...On Your Head, Face or Neck
• Climbing Christmas Trees
• Jumping Out of Christmas Trees While You Walk Innocently By and Inciting Unintentional Urination
• The Crappy Diet Cat Food That Our Other (Festively Plump) Cat Eats

Things he hates...

• Jesus and Angels (I can only assume this as both a Baby Jesus and angel ornament went missing at Christmas  and were later found...destroyed)
• Fans (the cooling kind, not the adoring kind)
• Water In His Water Dish (much better if it's all on the floor)
• Getting His Extra Toes Caught On Things
• Anyone Who Is Not Me (this I get)
• The Very Tasty and Fatty Kitten Food That He Eschews In Favor of Diet Cat Food
• Accidentally Getting Locked In The Garage All Night When He Sneaks Out There Unbeknownst To Anyone And Being Forced to Sleep In The Cold
• Being Forced To Wear Costumes (luckily, our other cat - Zoe, takes the brunt of that job)

Happy 2012!

Apologies for the unintended blogging hiatus, but my mad crafting/Pinteresting/holiday partying got the best of me...there was almost too much to blog about it...which made my head hurt...which made me throw up my hands and say to hell with it.

So, a couple of quick updates...

• We're continuing our IVF break to late spring...it's frankly, been a really welcome change of pace.  
• I completed the 8 weeks sugar free (although admittedly, with a couple of cheat days)...I honestly think that's what has contributed the surge of energy I've had lately.  I'm back at the morning breakfast shakes but with just 1/2 cup of berries and no banana.  I'm so happy to have these back in my routine again!  They aren't quite as good without as much fruit (although, maybe 'good' isn't the right word anyway...tolerable, perhaps?) but I'm so happy to be drinking them again, I almost don't mind.  The other tweak I made was no kefir or milk.  I use a splash of half and half or almond milk and that's it.
• I made biscuits and cinnamon rolls from scratch on Christmas Day!  And they were delicious.  And now I'm sorry that I know how to make them. :(
• We had a super laid-back New Year's Eve...which coincidentally, is my least favorite holiday.  Until all of our friends decide that going out and partying it up big is no longer an option, Nick and I will be boycotting the holiday by staying home and cooking for ourselves.  This year, we made a pesto stuffed pork loin, garlic and Parmesan mashed potatoes and spinach salad.  Much better than anything we would have had at a restaurant.  AND I got to stay in my PJs.  Bonus.
• If December was the month of crafting, January is the month of organizing.  Being inside during the winter makes me a little crazy, so I might as well put that craziness to good use.  Lots of projects in the works.
• Finally getting around to painting the bookshelves Nick and I built last summer...we're going to use them as nightstands, I think.  Were I smarter, I would have picked the day that it was 67 degrees this weekend to paint.  Instead, I huddled in the garage with a space heater and a lot of layers.
• Planning some trips for the year - so far, just a couple are planned
• Boston in the spring to see Nick's best friend, who is completing an internship as an orthopedic surgeon in sports medicine (working with the Celtics)
• Memphis in May for....Memphis in May to see the Slabs a Smokin' (Nick's brother's team) team compete...
• Colorado some time this summer when it's crazy hot in KC
• Maybe a few other weekend trips

Here's hoping that 2012 is the year we finally get pregnant!