Well, now what am I going to obsess over?

After a bit of moping around, Nick and I decided we would wait until the spring to implant the frozen embryos.  Two back to back IVF cycles has not been easy on my body or either of our spirits.  I think it's time for a bit of a break.  We want to give the next try our absolute best and to do that...well, we need some space.  It's not you, IVF, it's us.  :)

However, that leaves a LOT of time on my hands.  And I was briefly at a loss with what to do with it.  But it didn't take long for me to find new (mostly healthy) things to obsess over.  In no particular order...

1. Crafting...I've been 'pinning' crafts and DIY projects for months but have yet to actually make one.  I tend to use Pinterest mostly for recipes (in fact our menus for the last several weeks have been almost entirely Pinterest derived).  So, to start I finally finished up the yarn and felt wreath I've been working on.  I've got several more in the works, but after a marathon of crafting yesterday (and some uncomfortable glue gun burns), I might have to take a break.  Already.  Yeah, I know.  
2. Decorating for Christmas...our house could use a little cheer, so I decided to break my own No Christmas Trees Before Thanksgiving rule.  I also figured I would need to leave the undecorated trees up for a few days while I 'train' Ernie the new cat not to climb the tree.  This involves an elaborate ritual of me spraying the tree with a solution that is SUPPOSED to be distasteful to cats but in fact, seems to only intruige them more.  Then, as soon as I think we're in the clear and sit down, Ernie is, in a flash, trying to climb the tree.  So, I break out the spray bottle of water, which is apparently the MOST FUN toy ever to Ernie.  (I thought cats hated water in the face?)  Repeat ad nauseum.  
3. Giving up Sugar!  I've been thinking about this for some time...I have PCOS which is a condition that makes me insulin resistant...when my hormones aren't regulated (i.e. I'm off the pill), I gain weight.  So, over the past two years, I've, for the most part, cut out the bad sugars (soda, pastries, white flour, etc) (well, except for the occasional splurge...I am human, after all).  After doing a lot of research and reading, I want to try and cut out the good sugars (fruit, honey, etc), too.   It might seem crazy to do this over the holidays, but I'm up for the challenge.  (Luckily, I found out that wine is still okay in moderation...so I'll just spend the entire holidays drunk!)

Separate posts on the crafting and going sugar-free coming soon...I know, you're excited, right?!

Strike two...

We had a blood test today to determine if I was pregnant and it was negative.  Although we were pretty much expecting it, it's still hard to take.   We do have the glimmer of hope with the frozen embryos so that's what we'll be focusing on eventually. 

I'm sure most of you don't realize how long we've been trying, but trust me - it feels like all we've thought about for a long time.  When you're trying to get pregnant, each month you expect that 'this is the month'.  Your mind can't help but think about the possibilities - how you'll tell your partner, how you'll tell your family, when your due date is, etc. etc.  And then when it doesn't happen, it feels like a little death that you have to grieve.

Going through IVF is like that times 1000.  It occupies your physical, mental and spiritual self.  It's always there...in the background.  And both times, we allowed ourselves to think 'what if'...'what if this is THE time'? 'what if we can tell my 104 year old grandmother at Christmas that she's going to be a great-grandmother (again)?' 'what if we have a baby on July 17th like the due date calculator tells me?' 'what if we can go through the holidays knowing that we have a very special gift in store for us?' 'what if, what if, what if???'

You try not to.   Especially when you've been disappointed.   But if you didn't hope for the best and didn't imagine all the what if scenarios (whether you're talking about IVF or other obstacles), it would certainly make life a lot more bleak.

So, we'll mourn another loss of what could have been.  But we'll keep asking 'what if?'.  And hopefully...with a little luck...we'll finally get to stop saying if and start saying when.

I feel like a broken record, but thank you, thank you, thank you for the love and support and prayers.  Thank you for the offers to wallow with me.  Thank you for sitting with me waiting for the call.  Thank you for checking in with me.  Thank you for the texts.   Thank you for the emails.  Thank you for the phone calls.  Thank you for the Facebook messages.  Thank you for bringing me chocolate and cupcakes and other goodies (at one point, if we got pregnant, I was sure I was going to have to name the baby Reese or Hershey).   Thank you for the hugs.  Thank you for crying with me.  Thank you.

It does not go without notice that you all have your own struggles and tough times to deal with, so please know how deeply your support means to us.  XOXO

Thank you...

Despite the fact that I'm writing this at a quarter to 5 in the morning, which might lead you to believe that I did not sleep well, I actually got a great night's rest and feel...well as good as one can after getting the news that we did.   I'm writing to thank you all for your emails, phone calls, text messages, Facebook messages, etc...it really does mean a lot to...both of us (I shared almost everything with Nick.)  We are sad, but ever hopeful.  The worst part for me was telling Nick.  He had it in his head that if I called him at work, it meant that we were pregnant, so he was excited when I called.  To his credit (but not my surprise), by the time he got home from work, he had come up with a Top 7 Reasons Why We Shouldn't Give Up Hope list.  (maybe if you're lucky, I'll post it.)

The tear stains had barely dried from our faces before we were already moving in to the 'okay, what's next' phase.  And 'what's next' is a visit to Dr. Silber to ascertain what our options are.  You see, we were an 'easy' case for Dr. Silber...healthy and young.  Unfortunately, a lot of people that go through IVF don't get lucky on the first try.  And we were one of the extra un-lucky ones that also didn't end up with any embryos to freeze.

We think we understand (from a conversation with Dr. Silber before we left) why this cycle didn't work.  Unfortunately, my 'rockstar ovaries' actually worked against us.  They responded too well and too quickly to the stimulation injections.  Let me put it into terms I can understand...chocolate.  My ovaries produced....M&M's.  Are they tasty? Yes.  Are they the highest quality chocolate out there? No.  What we NEED to produce are Christopher Elbow (or Godiva, for you non KC folks) truffles.  Quality, not quantity.

Before we left St. Louis, Dr. Silber asked us to consider a mini-IVF cycle if our first cycle didn't work.  A mini-IVF cycle is one in which the focus is on producing a smaller number of very high quality eggs.  It is less invasive, requires less injections and costs less.  Our only concern at this point is how long it would require me to be in St. Louis as I don't feel comfortable taking off from work for an extended length of time again.  Hopefully we'll know more soon.

It occurred to me yesterday that having children is a conversation Nick and I have been having for almost ten years (since we first started dating in December of 2001).  We've been dealing with fertility issues since we got married in September of 2007.  And we've been trying off and on for the last several years.  Skeptics might say that we have nothing to show for it, but even when we are as down as we were last night, we are always able to count our blessings and move on, which I think says a lot about us as a couple.

Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.  A lot of people have asked whether or not we're going to keep up the blog and I think we're going to.  When I use my Mom Guilt someday, I want some hard evidence to back it up.

Much love to you all...