Strike two...

We had a blood test today to determine if I was pregnant and it was negative.  Although we were pretty much expecting it, it's still hard to take.   We do have the glimmer of hope with the frozen embryos so that's what we'll be focusing on eventually. 

I'm sure most of you don't realize how long we've been trying, but trust me - it feels like all we've thought about for a long time.  When you're trying to get pregnant, each month you expect that 'this is the month'.  Your mind can't help but think about the possibilities - how you'll tell your partner, how you'll tell your family, when your due date is, etc. etc.  And then when it doesn't happen, it feels like a little death that you have to grieve.

Going through IVF is like that times 1000.  It occupies your physical, mental and spiritual self.  It's always there...in the background.  And both times, we allowed ourselves to think 'what if'...'what if this is THE time'? 'what if we can tell my 104 year old grandmother at Christmas that she's going to be a great-grandmother (again)?' 'what if we have a baby on July 17th like the due date calculator tells me?' 'what if we can go through the holidays knowing that we have a very special gift in store for us?' 'what if, what if, what if???'

You try not to.   Especially when you've been disappointed.   But if you didn't hope for the best and didn't imagine all the what if scenarios (whether you're talking about IVF or other obstacles), it would certainly make life a lot more bleak.

So, we'll mourn another loss of what could have been.  But we'll keep asking 'what if?'.  And hopefully...with a little luck...we'll finally get to stop saying if and start saying when.

I feel like a broken record, but thank you, thank you, thank you for the love and support and prayers.  Thank you for the offers to wallow with me.  Thank you for sitting with me waiting for the call.  Thank you for checking in with me.  Thank you for the texts.   Thank you for the emails.  Thank you for the phone calls.  Thank you for the Facebook messages.  Thank you for bringing me chocolate and cupcakes and other goodies (at one point, if we got pregnant, I was sure I was going to have to name the baby Reese or Hershey).   Thank you for the hugs.  Thank you for crying with me.  Thank you.

It does not go without notice that you all have your own struggles and tough times to deal with, so please know how deeply your support means to us.  XOXO