:::Tumbleweeds float by:::

I know - almost a week and no update.  But, as it turns out, fretting about whether or not you're pregnant is quite tiring and stressful.  Who knew?

This cycle has been far more dramatic than the first - lots of ups and downs.  Yesterday, we were having a very up day.  Today - it is very, very down.  But, as many good friends have counseled me today - we should never give up faith.  We have a bloodwork test later this week and will know more then.  Until then, we could really use any spare good thoughts and prayers you have (after you are done praying and thinking about more worthy topics).

Trying to get pregnant and going through IVF is without a doubt the most stressful event of Nick and I's life.   However, since the season of gratitude is upon us, it has provided me some perspective.  I know I am certainly grateful for an amazing partner in Nick; I couldn't have gone through this process without him (ha! both literally and figuratively).  I'm amazed at how we continue to get stronger rather than be pulled apart by all the heartache. 

Along this vein, Nick and I were talking about the many ways you can have a family today and he reminded me of the first 5 minutes of Up.  If you haven't seen it, you've either been under a rock or don't have kids (made by Pixar).   While I loved the movie, the first 5 minutes nearly killed me and through (sob, sob) tears, I declared to Nick 'this is the worst movie EVERRRR!'

The gist of it is that a boy and girl, meet and fall in love.  They find out they cannot have children and are devastated.  However, (as I recall) they spend the rest of their years together having wonderful adventures and generally living a good life.  And then the wife dies.  (Cue tears from Sarah) (Bear in mind, this is only the first 5 minutes of the movie.) And it is SAD.  But then the (by this time curmudgeonly) guy has a young boy thrust into his life and they hate each other, but then they love each other and become best friends and they all live happily ever after.  The End.

Where was I going with this?  Oh, yeah - the point Nick was trying to make by reminding me of the movie was that we will have a family one way or another.  So, in sum - IVF=drama, Up=tears but good life lesson, Nick=awesome, Sarah=still holding out hope.

Thanks for all the love, thoughts and prayers; it means the world to us.

P.S.  In WTF news...WTF, Mississippi?

I'm starting a new dance craze...

(Ed. Note.: in an attempt to move on and continue to be hopeful, I am doing what I always do...finding humor in even the most difficult of circumstances.  I hope you don't think me callous, but if you do...too bad.  Nick and I have gotten through the more difficult times of our lives by supporting each other and laughing...a lot.)

It's called the Second Line Shuffle

If you’ve never struggled to get pregnant, you’re probably not familiar with this dance.  After, well…’activating’ the home pregnancy test (HPT), shall we say, you immediately look at the test to see if the Second Line shows up right away.  It does not.

So, you stash the test away for a few minutes and resign yourself to waiting.   During the wait, you check Facebook, Gmail, etc.  You whistle, fidget with your hands, pretend that you're not dying to bolt from your chair and look.

Time’s up!  You rush back to the HPT drop off and check again…still no line.  Better give it a few more minutes.  You probably looked at the clock wrong.

More Facebook, Gmail, hand-wringing.

And you’re back!  Still no line.  OR IS THERE?  If you squint your eyes and hold it up to the light, there maybe just the faintest shadow of a line. 

At this point, reason just flies out the window and you may do one of several incredibly neurotic things including 1) taking the test apart to get a better look, 2) taking a photo of the HPT so you can zoom in on the faintest of faint lines on your laptop, 3) looking at the test in every possible room in the house searching for the right light.  And by right…I mean the kind of light that unequivocally shows the Mythical Second Line.

Once you resign yourself to the fact that there is no second line, that’s when the HPT Googling starts.

HPT Googling is an Internet surfing episode wherein an individual looks up all the information they can about false negatives, when women typically get positives on home pregnancy test, and so on and so forth.  (And don't even get me started on the websites that share the pros and cons of various HPTs...whether the ones with blue lines are less accurate than those with pink lines, etc, etc,) (I myself am a First Response kind a gal.)

The other thing you probably don’t know about HPTs if you’ve not struggled to conceive is that they are akin to heroin…in that, as long as you don’t START using them during the seemingly innocuously named Two Week Wait (the time period after you ovulate and could potentially have conceived) you’re fine.  But, once you take ONE, then it’s a slippery slope and pretty soon you’re testing every eight hours and considering putting a picture of yourself up at the local Target that says “Do NOT sell Home Pregnancy Tests to this woman”.

To be completely honest, our worst case scenario for the first IVF cycle wasn't not getting pregnant at all.  What we both thought was fairly likely to happen (as this happens to many people) is that we would have a chemical pregnancy.   Typically, what happens with a chemical pregnancy is that the first blood test reveals a lower level of the HCG pregnancy hormone (also known as...you can be just a little bit pregnant).  At the second blood test, your HCG levels drop and continue to do so.  We didn't even dream that we wouldn't get pregnant at all (boundless but guarded optimism, anyone?)

I know what I'm about to say sounds completely morbid, but it's also true.  We are so anxious to be pregnant and start our family that a part of me wishes that the first blood test would have been a high enough number that it was possible we were even 'just a little bit pregnant'.   Why?  Because then I would have been able to see that elusive Second Line on the pregnancy test...the one I'm just sure doesn't exist (at least for me).  And I feel like that would have given both Nick and I hope that it was possible.

Until then, the Second Line remains enigmatic...like the Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra, or skinny jeans that actually make you look...skinny.  Here's hoping I have a Second Line Sighting soon. :)