Rollercoaster

So after I published that last post, two things happened - 1) I happened across an article online that basically said a lot of the things I was experiencing were common with IVF patients who get pregnant and 2) a good friend (thanks, good friend!) emailed me to tell me that she had had a very similar experience and all was fine.

I was driving home and feeling much better when my doctor's office called; I left them a message this afternoon with some of my concerns.  I fully expected them to tell me that everything I'm experiencing is normal and that I shouldn't worry.  Instead, they asked me to come in for a repeat beta test tomorrow first thing to see if my numbers are still okay, and in addition - they will likely move up our first ultrasound.  I was a little stunned and said so to the nurse.  She assured me that many people experience what I'm going through and go on to have healthy pregnancies, but it can also go the other way.  She told me that they respect all that IVF patients have to go through and so they always try to get an answer (for good or for bad) as quickly as possible.

With that, I burst into tears.  I just can't take the stress of more tests and waiting around all day to hear back from the office.  Nick is doing a really good job of trying to comfort me and I just took another pregnancy test (strong as ever!) but I. Hate. This. 

So, please send any spare good thoughts our way right now...I feel like we could use them.  Will update as soon as I know something.

Praying to the Porcelain Gods

Or more aptly...wishing I was praying to the porcelain gods.  The weird thing about pregnancy symptoms that no one really tells you is that they are oddly comforting.  I mean, yeah - it's not exactly fun to get a whiff of a co-workers cologne and have to actively try not to puke on them, but as long as you're feeling the symptoms - theoretically, you're still pregnant.  

Which is why I am quietly freaking out that for the last two days or so, some of my symptoms have diminished or altogether disappeared.  It's terribly disconcerting and I debated whether or not I should even post about it, but the point of this blog (in addition to communicating with all of you) is to be an outlet, so this is the truth of how I feel.  I even took another pregnancy test yesterday morning just to be sure (it came back SUPER positive) but I still feel anxious and unsettled. 

I am so scared that we will come this far only to be disappointed again and I'm not sure if I could take that.  We've tried all along to be cautiously optimistic (and we still are), but it's a lot easier when you don't think you're pregnant to move on to the next step, whatever that is.  It just seems so inexplicably cruel for us to get this far and then not continue on with this pregnancy.  I'm grasping for all of that calm and peacefulness I felt a few weeks ago and coming up short.  In addition, work has been incredibly busy and stressful and I've been internalizing a lot of that stress in a way that is probably not healthy.  I realized that a few days ago and had sort of a 'Come to Jesus' with myself about leaving work at work.  If not for myself, but for our baby(ies). 

The truth about the whole IVF process is that you never get a chance to relax and be comfortable with...anything.  First, you're worrying about your eggs - how many are you going to make, are they big enough, etc.  Then, you pass that hurdle and it's how many embryos are going to make it and how developed will they be.  Then it's - are we pregnant?  Then it's - will we continue to be pregnant?  I'm not sure we'll relax until we're physically holding a baby and then, it's just a whole new set of worries.  We had a brief respite last week while we basked in our excellent beta numbers, but now it's just back to worrying.    I did just have a thought as I was sitting here typing this, though - all of this overly emotional stuff I'm doing right now- isn't THAT a symptom of pregnancy in and of itself?  I hope so!