Hope, Heartbreak - Rinse and Repeat

As some of you by now know (and for those of you finding out by reading this, I apologize but it's easier than emailing/calling everyone), Nick and I just had another failed IVF cycle.  When the last cycle in October didn't work, we started talking about scheduling the frozen transfer 'secretly'...mostly because we just loved, loved, loved the idea of being able to surprise everyone like a 'normal' pregnancy.  We knew we wanted to give my poor body a break for a few months; with that information, our nurse suggested a plan that had the transfer scheduled for February 6th, aka my birthday, aka Most Important day of the year.  Those of you who know me well know that my birthday, well - it's kind of a big deal.  When the nurse mentioned that date as a option, my heart skipped a beat and I just knew, knew that doing a transfer on my birthday would be good luck.  How could it not be?

The frozen transfer is an immensely easier process than a fresh cycle and transfer, mainly because they are not stimulating my body to produce a lot of eggs; there's no retrieval.  All I had to do was take a couple of hormones for a few weeks and then show up for the transfer.  As you'll recall, we had three embryos left after our last cycle...we thawed all three and all made it through the thaw.  Because the chances of success are lower on a frozen transfer, our doctor advised transferring all three.  Because the chance of triplets was less than 5%, we decided to transfer all three.

It was one of the best birthdays I've ever had...truly.  Nick and I were giddy with excitement because again, we just knew this had worked.  Third time's the charm, three is a magic number, transferring on my birthday - all 'signs' this would be it.  And so we went throughout our week, nervously anticipating the bloodwork that would confirm what we thought would be true.

Several days before the blood test was scheduled, my willpower broke and I started testing using home pregnancy tests.  I got a positive two days in a row which coincided with too many distinctly pregnant symptoms (nausea, thirst, sensitivity to smells, etc.)...Nick had no idea was testing.  I was cautiously optimistic.  On Valentine's Day, I just couldn't let go of the idea of being able to tell Nick we were pregnant, so I decided to take a digital test at work.  It came back negative...I chalked it up to my having had too much water and the digital tests being less sensitive (which they are) but dread started building in my stomach.

The night of Valentine's Day...I took another test...another negative.  I had felt no symptoms that day.  The awful feeling continued to build.  On the day of the blood test, I woke at about 3:45 am and took another test...another negative.  Sinkingly, I realized I was not pregnant.  I was anxious and crabby all morning while Nick left for work; he had no idea this was going on and was still positive about the situation.  I didn't want to burst his bubble until I knew for sure. 

The blood draw at the clinic was excruciating...the nurse once again struggled to find a suitable vein and I eventually just told her to take it out of my hand (which really, really sucks) because I just wanted to get out of there.  I then waited for two hours for the call.  As soon as I heard the nurse's voice, I knew the test had been negative.  There's a certain distance in someone's voice when they are giving you this kind of bad news; unfortunately, I've gotten pretty good at 'hearing' that distance.

I'm not going to lie - it was an ugly, ugly day...made worse by the fact that I had promised Nick I wouldn't give him the results either way until he got home from work.  I had to wait seven hours to do so...at that point, he pretty much knew, but I think he was still holding out hope.  I didn't have to say anything when he came in...he knew.  I just said "I'm sorry."

I'll be honest - this time, it's just so much worse.  It's been heartbreaking every time, but we were mostly just sad before.  This time, the sadness has a hard crust of anger surrounding it.  And bitterness.  I realize there are much worse issues to have in life and we both realize how much we have to be grateful for (we made a list), but going through this is like mourning the death of a dream of a family every time it happens.  Only most people don't understand because they haven't been through it.   Infertility is a peculiarly secretive topic...I wish people would be more open about it.  That's part of the reason for this blog...it has an admittedly small audience of our family and friends but I hope that by being open about our struggle it helps others to understand.

Which brings me to thanking all of you.  Those that we have told already have just been...well, great.  I have felt such love and compassion from so many people.  One of the blessings Nick and I count is the support of our friends and family.  And there are a couple of you out there that I allowed to see the good, bad and ugly of this secret/surprise cycle - and I will forever be grateful to you, in particular, for that.

IVF should work for us.  All three of the doctors we've seen have told us that.  I asked our current doctor if he ever has to tell people that IVF probably isn't a feasible option for them and he said absolutely.  If that were the case for us, we'd move on - whatever that would mean for us.  But people with our set of particular issues get pregnant via IVF all the time...and not with great difficulty.   We're just some of the unfortunate outliers that it is taking longer to work for. Although at some point the law of averages has got to be in our favor.

I also know that perhaps some of you are thinking why don't they consider adoption?  Why spend all this money when there are so many children in the world who need good homes?  I know you might be judging me just a little bit.  It's okay.  My response to that would be...why aren't YOU considering adoption? And why does a medical condition that is treatable mean that we should give up the dream of a child that is biologically ours? 

That's not to say adoption isn't something we've considered...believe me, we've talked about it.  And frankly, depending on how things work out - it's something we'll give serious consideration to when we want to expand our family.  I believe adoption is a wonderful, wonderful avenue for creating a family, but I also don't think it's something you take lightly...or that you decide on because you've run out of other alternatives.  I know from people in my life that have adopted that it is just of a painful and complicated process as IVF.  When we make that decision, it will be because it's right for us and we're ready to commit fully to the process.

Until then, this is the path we've chosen - chosen out of hope.  We know that this part of a larger plan and that perhaps some day it will make sense (frankly, I'd be lying if I said I understood it now).  In the meantime, we continue to count our blessings, chief of which is the amazing strength and resilience of our relationship which has truly grown in the last year in ways I thought weren't possible. 

So, this time, we'll invite you along for the ride again...woo!  Get excited!  Needles, Ultrasounds and Embryos, oh my!  You'll be a part of every thrilling minute of IVF: Part 4.  On a positive note, it was next to impossible for me to write on the blog the last couple of months because I am so terrible at secret-keeping.  I feared every post would go something like this.

For my birthday, Nick and I went out to dinner (and transferred some embryos!) and then had cupcakes (we're gonna have a baby!) and we went ice skating with friends (IVF! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

So, get excited for more blog posts, too.   :)  

This one is hitting me harder...I think because I didn't allow myself to feel sad after the first and second time - it was just full steam ahead (and a lot of misguided Pinteresting and crafting).  I feel like I'm suffering from the cumulative effects of an entire year of disappointment and frustration.  However, it's nothing that a lot of snuggling kitties, watching Downton Abbey (seriously - I. Am. Obsessed), reading and the attention of a devoted husband haven't been able to help with this weekend. 

That said, hope springs eternal.  I just looked up the potential due date if we are successful with our April cycle.  New Year's Eve.  I've always hated that holiday...maybe that will change this year?  

XOXO